I’ve had many toxic relationships throughout the years, and I don’t only mean this in a romantic way. When I was a teenager, I encountered many of these unhealthy relationships with family, friends, peers, the boyfriend I had at the time, and sometimes, with food. In 2019, I had my very first girlfriend. She used to be one of my friends in high school, and I fell for her in the summer of 2018. Let’s just say it didn’t go as smoothly as I hoped. I remember when I confessed my feelings to her and got completely rejected. Firstly, because she wasn’t interested in women, and secondly because she had an ex she hadn’t gotten over.
In the summer of 2019, she told me she had feelings for me and thought maybe we could give each other a chance. Of course, I said yes, because, at the time, it was all I wished for. Besides giving her all the love and support I could, I also really wanted to cherish every moment we would spend together.
Our relationship was rocky from the start. I couldn’t see it at the time, but it wasn’t what you would expect a new one to be like. We had many problems, one of them being that we both served at our church, but our love was against our religion. We started getting into fights about every single thing, every single time. It was bad, considering it got to the point where we would both lose ourselves, and hurt each other deeply. There are a lot of details about our relationship that were questionable, but, at the time, I only wanted her and nothing else. No matter the cost, no matter how much I was hurting. I know I wasn’t perfect, but the way this girl hurt me was beyond words. I tried to end things so many times, but every time I tried, I couldn’t do it. I was scared of what would happen if I did, what she was capable of, and also, she didn’t make it easy for me to let go. I’ll spare you the details but, let’s just say it wasn’t pretty.
In November 2020, I decided to end things once and for all. We had broken up many times before that, but this time it was final and I wasn’t backing down. She didn’t want to let me go and wouldn’t take no for an answer, and she even threatened me by claiming that I was making a mistake and would regret it if I ended our relationship. At this point, I was at my breaking point. The gaslighting, the manipulation, the pain, the fear, the anxiety, the panic attacks, always feeling miserable and not capable of anything, drove me to the point where I couldn’t even say what I felt because, if I did, it would push her over the edge. Every single thing I did was either a problem, or I just wasn’t doing it the way she wanted me to. It was hard and painful to try to love someone who only belittles, manipulates, and hurts you, but who also provides you gifts, compliments, support, loves making love to you, and talks about the future with you in it. Plus, we used to be friends, we became best friends after that, and then lovers. So, you see, it was very difficult to say goodbye to my first love, my best friend, and the person I trusted my entire life to.
Two months later, I reached out to my ex-boyfriend from high school because of some suspicious posts I saw on his Instagram, and we started chatting again. We ended up on good terms and had talked over the years, but not in the way we were doing it at that precise moment. We decided to catch up and went out on a couple of dates before he confessed to me how he hadn’t gotten over me and wanted to try things again. I remember feeling scared and not ready to trust anybody, let alone him to start a new relationship. Hey, I was very scared and didn’t think I was ready. I wasn’t even considering getting into another relationship so fast but, it just made sense somehow. He was very sweet, kind, protective, and patient with me. We had many conversations about my last relationship and this MAN was patient and one of the kindest souls to ever come into my life. I remember crying, feeling helpless, and thinking I would never heal from the trauma I experienced with my most recent ex and telling myself she still had control over me even after she was gone. He gave me advice for me to understand that she wasn’t and would never again be in control of anything that had to do with me. He helped me understand that relationships shouldn’t be about control, possessing someone, or making them feel like shit for even expressing how they felt. He has been the most supportive man. I have learned what a healthy relationship looks like because we have both acknowledged each other’s feelings, thoughts, and perspectives. Sometimes I get flashbacks or when I want to express how I’m feeling about a certain topic, I refrain from saying anything; when he’s mad or uncomfortable about something, sometimes I start to apologize like crazy and cry because I question if I did something so bad that it can’t be fixed. He always makes sure to remind me that I am not in the same dark place I was some time ago and to realize that we don’t have even a single fiber of what my last relationship looked or felt like. I love him and feel loved by him every single day of my life. We aren’t perfect and this isn’t a fairytale but, we do try to be the best versions of ourselves to grow as people and help our relationship grow as we go.
As I embarked on a new journey in my personal and romantic life, I decided to go to therapy due to the trauma I experienced with my ex and it changed my life. My therapist was another one of those people who made sure I felt safe, protected, and heard. She always makes sure I understand that it wasn’t my fault and that no one should have the power to ever make me feel bad about myself. My therapist was a godsend and has been very understanding since day one. I owe a lot to her. I was able to detach myself from friends and my ex. At the end of the day, they were toxic AF and I feel stronger ever since I made those decisions. My ex has made it her mission to make my life a living hell. She has lied, influenced situations negatively, and even turned people against me by using her tool of choice: manipulation. After the last encounter I had with her, where she decided to humiliate me in front of some of our common friends, I decided once and for all that I could forgive her, but I could never have her back in my life, not even as a friend. It took me months to get her off the pedestal I had so devoutly placed her upon. The disappointment she provoked in me every time I found out she had some other lie or created another story made it easier for me to let go and finally recover from the ache I was still withholding. One of my best friends said something that always stayed close to my heart, “you can’t pretend to heal in the place that broke you,” and that’s how I understood everything once and for all.