For those who need musical healing
Valentine’s season is here and though it’s mainly about couples, let’s just say not everyone is celebrating being in a happy, healthy, “three-years-and-going-strong” relationship right now. Some people are in a relationship they don’t want to be in, perhaps, because of financial necessity, some are even in unhealthy or unsafe relationships, but they don’t realize it, and others are just plain not ready to leave the toxic one they’re currently in.
It’s complicated.
But this article is a shout out to those who broke it off, who walked away or were left by someone from a toxic relationship.
Everyone knows that breakups are tough, but being dumped or being the dumpeed from these types of negative relationship dynamics is sometimes even tougher.
The reason for this is that the relationship the person was in, in this case, wasn’t healthy or good for one or the other person. There might’ve been unhealthy power dynamics, cheating, lying, or even verbal abuse, among other kinds of behavior involved.
We might initially think that toxic relationships are rare and that they could never happen to you, but they’re actually much more common than we think. So much is true that 1 in 3 women, 1 in 4 men, and 1 in 3 young people (teenagers) are, will be, or have been victims of emotional or physical abuse by a partner. For this reason, the emotional wreck and trauma left behind by these partnerships is real, and at first, it’s difficult to put into words, let alone heal from them.
So, I’ve put together a playlist that can empower anyone who has ever walked away from a toxic relationship, in order to experience some kind of catharsis and lead them on their way to healing. To be honest, it’s a personal playlist that comes from experience, (all of these songs are in my Liked Songs on Spotify and I listened to them on repeat after leaving a toxic relationship myself) so I can safely say it’s got proven heart-mending qualities.
So, if you want to vibe to breakup songs, feel empowered, have a playlist for finally choosing you over all that toxicity, or just want to discover new tunes, this is the playlist for you! Without further ado, here are 6 songs to scream-sing after leaving a toxic relationship.
“This playlist is for anyone and everyone who has ever felt disempowered, hurt, or completely drained by a person they were deeply in love with, and hopefully this playlist helps them scream-sing their way into healing.”
The playlist, by stages
A short, 30-minute, bittersweet playlist meant to balm your furious-sad-relieved-devastated-overjoyed feelings post-toxic breakup, this playlist is organized in a specific way: by stages.
Like the 5 stages of grief and loss, here are the stages I went through post-toxic relationship breakup:
LEAVING: “Alejandro” Live Performance by Lady Gaga
Lady Gaga sings for equality and freedom, but in this song, it’s evident that she sings to give strength to those who’ve exited a codependent relationship with someone domineering, controlling, and possessive.
This song by the GAddess herself performing live in Madison Square Garden in 2011 was on repeat for the entire 2 months after my breakup.
This performance spoke to me in ways that the original song didn’t. In the original Alejandro we all heard on the radio and now on Spotify or Apple Music, I noticed that the sound was much more pop, maybe even happy and bouncy, even though it’s a song about ongoing abusive relationships, where she called them “monsters” and she was “afraid of men” at some point.
However, in this outstanding live show, Gaga is so much more campy, sad, and raw, while she also shows her new-found power and freedom when she sings about her past relationships, those which really took a toll on her self-esteem and mental health, but where she now finds herself in a space to provide solace to those who have gone through the same.
Gaga’s melodramatic performance at 1:57 and front-grabbing at 2:27 were my favorite parts. They both helped me take notice oftake notice of my own self-worth and power, and see how much of it there actually is and was, before, during, and after my toxic relationship.
In other words, having a toxic partner never changed (nor will it ever) my inherent worth. Gaga helped me relaize that very quickly. Becasuse watching her make fun of herself and her hopeless and toxic feelings for a man who made her feel like she was nothing without him, was iconic, to say the least. It really brought me to a space where I saw my feelings and my past relationship outside of myself and my life, and it made me realize that it wasn’t there to hurt me anymore.
So, this show really helped me heal in the long run, and as a bonus, it was amazing to see one of Gaga’s most impressive performances (IMO) to date. And you get really cool bass riffs at the beginning, with Lady Gaga belting at the top of her lungs!
MISSING: “I Hope You’re Okay” BY Sunsleeper
This heavy, late 2010s indie rock breakup ballad brings us all the feels to scream ’em out.
There comes a point when someone starts missing the person they were once with, even if they were bad for them or each other. I say thisis because it’s actually really normal to miss your ex after you break up, regardless of the type of relationship you had. And so, this song emphasizes how horrible it is to be in a relationship that just won’t work at all, while also wishing to know about their ex’s wellbeing.
To this, I can highly relate to. I went through periods of time where I was so grateful to have broken up with my toxic ex, to some days where I hoped to be with them again, and always wondering if they were okay. And that’s alright.
You were in love with this person once, and weirdly, this doesn’t necessarily mean you stop holding feelings of tenderness towards them, at least until they start to fade. But that doesn’t mean you want it back. And so this Sunsleeper album has the perfect title for just that: “You Can Miss Something & Not Want It Back”. Well said.
Simultaneously, though, when you’re missing someone, you start imagining scenarios where it could’ve worked out between the two of you. Sunsleeper reflects on this in their song, while also acknowledging the violence that happened in the partnership:
“…You wrecked your head talking to walls / My arms around, it’s not your call / …Wish I knew you’re okay / Things didn’t end this way / You’re burning us out, dragging us down / And I haven’t seen you since”.
So, if you’re missing them, just know it’s okay, and know that it was best for you to end or leave this relationship. Plus, this song will help you cry it out.
LONELINESS: “Lost On You” BY LP
LP, a nonbinary lesbian, sings about their past relationship with a person whose relationship
they were trying to save, before it crumbled in front of them.
This is a song about a codependent relationship with a narcissist. It strikes a chord about what it looks and feels like to be alone while you’re in a relationship with someone who’s using you, but you’re so attached, you’re still trying to save itit. The song also illustrates how much you lose yourself while you’re in this type of unhealthy romantic, interpersonal dynamic.
The part that says: “…Hold me like you never lost your patience / Tell me that love me more than hate me / All the time…” REALLY got me. And while this song helped me scream my feelings out with the high notes LP belts, it also helped me realize how much I was slowly deteriorating just by being with my ex, even though I was completely in love with him. In that sense, it still reminds how the breakup, with all of its entailed loneliness afterwards, was for the best… My best.
So, feeling lonely while you find yourself… Finding YOURSELF instead of someone who completely made your life a living Hell… Completely worth it.
Plus, LP’s got some pipes on them! You better check ’em out!
MESSY HEALING: “Happier Than Ever” BY Billie Eilish
Billie Eilish ACTUALLY scream-sings in this one!
This is the kind of song that can be hard to understand unless you’ve personally gone through something similar. And honestly, this music video actually made me tear up and gave me goosebumps. Watching Billie go from where it seemed like Paradise while being quiet, calm and collected (like you have to be so that things don’t escalate in an argument in a toxic relationship), to being in a chaotic, flooded, dark and rainy setting where she gets to be free and screams herself into healing.
Here we can see her letting out screams she “wanted to let out for a long time”, and it is so refreshing and relieving to see someone my age go through something very similar to what I went through and come out, while heartbroken, so whole and so real.
While you listen to this one, make sure to sing along and add your own guttural, raw, and much-needed screams into the mix to help you let it go. I know I’ve done it MULTIPLE times, and really, it helped a lot. Hope it helps you, too. <3
CONFRONTATION: “Flowers” BY Lauren Spencer Smith
The 19-year-old brings to light one relationship she had with someone who completely blindsided her.
Part of the healing process when you leave a toxic relationship is realizing that the person who you were with wasn’t who you thought they were, meaning you stop idealizing them. Another part of it is confronting the feelings and events that happened in it. Finally, when you stop making excuses for the person, and start seeing them for who they are and what they did with you, that’s when real healing begins, through the process of confrontation.
Lauren illustrates all of this seamlessly in just one song. She’s also able to recognize what was wrong from her part of the relationship, while she also gave her ex the responsibility he had to account for the things he did (instead of taking all the blame herself) and get a reality check, which in turn, helped her to heal.
SELF-LOVE: “Flowers” BY Miley Cyrus
Miley gives us the gift this tune brings us with all the soft, feminine, empowering and indie pop vibes we need.
Through this recently released and smash-hit single, Miley delivers a song that encompasses the, yes, nostalgia, but also the empowerment that comes with leaving a relationship that wasn’t right for you. Finally, after going through a healing process, and letting time do its magic, the self-love that produces from within when, after rightfully grieving the loss, you learn to give to yourself what you expected the person you were with to give to you: love and respect.
So, after Miley vocalizes the ideals she had with her ex-partner and the fear she had with simply leaving, she speaks about how difficult it can be sometimes to leave this kind of dynamic. In some cases, it’s because people believe they don’t deserve any better, in others, people just believe they’ve invested too much time into the relationship that they think it’s not worth leaving it, or at times, it’s because they’re still in love with the person and they’re not ready to leave.
Regardless of the case, in the song, Miley carries us with sweet notes on how she found herself in the process of healing from a past relationship, and she does it tremendously. Hopefully this one does the trick for you as well as it did for me.
BONUS! EMPOWERMENT: “Solo De Mí” BY Bad Bunny
Bad bunny, a Puerto Rican icon who’s known for being very vocal about social issues that surround the island, touches on the relevant topic of domestic partner violence in this music video.
One by the Best and Baddest recent Grammy award winner is appropriate for this playlist. Especially because this bop specifically targets an audience that has suffered some sort of toxic or abusive relationship in their lives. It especially calls for a dialogue on the ongoing state of emergency about domestic violence in Puerto Rico.
On top of that, he offers an anthem for people who have ever been confronted with a possessive, controlling, or just all-around possessive person, and invites them to take their power back by declaring themselves their own person, rather than an object belonging to their abuser.
Later, the music video takes a turn to a more empowered look at taking back what you once gave to the person you were with, all with the catchy and classic trap party vibe that we enjoy.
The result
At the end of the day, breakups are hard. Especially if it was from a toxic relationship with a person you heavily idealized by falling in love with them, maybe even imagining a future where the two of you were together.In this case, though, the person who you were with wasn’t good for you, maybe because of their lack of maturity, emotional security, or self-control.
But, while we can’t turn back time to prevent what happened, hopefully this helped most of you purge some of the complicated feelings that come with going through a breakup post-toxic relationship. I know they all helped ME after listening to them and scream-singing them at least 1,000 times and counting!
If you liked this playlist and want access to it on Spotify, or even wanna add any more songs, feel free to go to this link and jam to it whenever you need some musical support.
Sending Lots of Love,
-A. Solaris