Photo by Jad Limcaco
I have a very loud, amusing personality. I like to crack jokes and make people laugh – and if that involves making weird noises or an ugly face, I’m down. Unfortunately, most people that know me don’t know that, because that’s not how I act around them. Only a few close friends know that side of me, because in most situations, I’m too anxious to let my true self show.
I’ve been an anxious person for as long as I can remember. Everything makes me anxious, from taking finals to going to the grocery store. I wasn’t diagnosed until I was 16, when I started having panic attacks. I stopped going to school and for a while I even stopped leaving my house. Most people that know me wouldn’t have guessed that about me, though, because over the years I’ve gotten a lot of help in overcoming those issues. However, that daily anxiety still lingers.
It makes me anxious when the teacher calls on me in class, and I have to rehearse the words in my head before I say them out loud. Half the time I stumble over them anyway. I get anxious meeting new people and usually end up not saying much at all. In short, I spend a large portion of my day questioning everything and never acting.
When I was first diagnosed, I thought I was some kind of freak. Finding out that not everyone panics when they have to order food at a restaurant was shocking to me. That other people don’t freak out when they drive down the street and a neighbor waves at them. That the idea of going to a crowded event doesn’t send them into full blown panic. It all made me realize just how abnormal the amount of anxiety I have is, and for a while I felt isolated and alone and like no one could ever understand what I was going through.
The good news, however, is that there are other people who have the exact feelings I do. About 18% of the adult population of America suffers from an anxiety disorder. We’re not alone. So why does it feel like we are?
Because no one talks about it. We’re aware of the stigma that having a mental illness comes with, and we’re ashamed to be a part of that statistic. But I’m done not talking about it. I’ve made huge improvements in the last few years and I’m proud of that, but I still have improvements to make. I want to be open about my struggles so that other people can be open about theirs as well. No one deserves to feel like they’re a freak because the chemicals in their brain are a little off. We’re all human; some of us just need a little extra help, and that’s okay. The more we talk about our feelings and our experiences, the more we erase that stigma. If I can take the feeling of being a freak away from even one single person, then I’ll talk about my mental illness all day if I have to.
I know what it’s like to not want to talk about it, but now I know how relieving it is to find someone out there you relate to. So if you ever feel like anxiety is taking over your life or affecting what you do every day, I’m here. The first step to not feeling alone anymore is talking about it, and I’m ready to listen.