To be transparent, I am certainly no expert on anxiety. Yet, I am starting to become an expert on my anxiety. To make these feelings easier to understand, I refer to my anxious moments as my mind being taken over by my “tumbleweed effect” mindset. One gust of wind kickstarts my “tumbleweed;” 30 seconds later it rolls down the crooked, bumpy road that is my mind and has collected dust and dirt and is bigger than I could have ever imagined.
To be less metaphorical: my “gust of wind” could be getting a C on a high school history exam. Thirty seconds later I have “tumble weeded” into thinking I would never get into college. Dramatic? Sure. But anxiety does not care.
In the past, to calm myself down from a “tumbleweed moment” I would repeat the phrase “it’s not a big deal” to myself until I gained some perspective on how minuscule this one “gust of wind” was in comparison to my entire life. This worked for most of my younger years; yet, as I reached my hormonal adolescent years and the ever so daunting “what’s the point then” mindset set in, I felt as though my “phrase” needed some tweaking. So, I played around with many different affirmations until I landed on this one: “I’m a big deal, but not everything is.”
What does this mean? It took me quite a few years to truly figure out exactly what I meant by this. Anxiety is a word often overused and simplified as “nerves”. It is downplayed with a “relax” or the infamous “chill out”. While I understand where these statements derive from- as a lot of anxiety is a concern for future events that won’t happen or past events that never did- it downplays the realness of anxiety and invalidates the very real feeling, often making the person feel insignificant.
But I am not insignificant, and neither are you.
You got a B+ in a class you didn’t think you’d pass, and that’s a big deal. But the mini quiz you forgot to study for back in September isn’t.
You ran a mile, and that’s a big deal. But the fact it was a few seconds higher than your record time isn’t.
You graduated from high school, and that’s a big deal. But the fact you were not in the top 10 percent of your class isn’t.
You performed in your first show, and that’s a big deal. But the fact you stumbled your line isn’t.
You are going to college, and that’s a big deal. But the fact you aren’t sure what to study yet isn’t.
You’re a big deal. Life isn’t.