Introduction
As a high achiever and former people pleaser who has spent most of her life dedicated towards academic achievements and to her professional role as a published poet, I found myself struggling to understand and remain true to myself. What an ironic thing to not know one’s self, but alas it was true. I had devoted so much of my time towards external validations and achievements that there has been little room towards myself, my inner world and the things I could choose to control.
I had never been aware of my lack of awareness towards myself until I came to college. Freshman year I found myself battling a constant inner conflict. I knew something was up but could never tell what. I had this lack of fulfillment and lack of wholeness inside of me. Something felt incomplete. But I had so many achievements and external validations, so what could have possibly been wrong? The answer was inside of me.
By focusing so much on my exterior world and validation from all my accomplishments, I had neglected myself. I neglected the part of me that needed attention. I had taken a vacation cruise while my inner self remained stranded on an empty island, pleading for assistance all hours of the day. I had forgotten my own boundaries, my own needs and my own values in life. My sophomore year of college, while I am still learning to listen to myself, I feel more comfortable knowing that I had taken the necessary steps to break free from the mold of ignoring my needs, boundaries and who I am. It is a difficult and continuous journey to heal from being a high achiever, but by focusing on what you can do in the present, you can learn to become whole.
- Listen to Your Body
To find wholeness within yourself, you need to find yourself first. Listening to your body’s needs and how it feels is essential to this process. Whether you’re sad, sick, or even tired, you must make sure to listen to your body when it is telling you these states. Look for the signs and listen to them. Your body deserves to be heard. For example, if you have a headache, then get yourself water or an Advil. If your stomach is growling, then get something to eat. Don’t ignore the signs because when we ignore our bodies, we ignore ourselves. It may sound simple and silly but think about all those times you ignored a growling stomach, a headache, exhaustion coursing through your veins, etc.
- Rest
As high achievers, many of us find ourselves working as hard as we possibly can and working until we exhaust ourselves. While it is good to get work done, it is important to take breaks between tasks and also just because. Our bodies and mind need breaks to heal and recover so we can stay in tune and balanced. By giving our bodies and minds a rest, we honor ourselves. Whether it is through a nap, meditation, journaling, drawing or some other peaceful activity, we can respect ourselves through this rest. Personally, I enjoy meditation and journaling as I can relax my body and cleanse my mind. You should try it out. And maybe after reading this you can give yourself some rest. You deserve it!
- Discover Self-Growth Materials
I enjoy listening to self-growth podcasts or reading books on this topic as a means of finding who I am and connecting to myself. They are also beneficial to development for growth as a person. There are a lot of good ones out there. For Spotify podcasts: I really enjoy The Inner Child Podcast by Gloria Zhang and The Self Love Fix by Beatrice. Both of these podcasts focus on self-growth through love, devotion to oneself and the knowledge on diving into attachment style theory.
If you are not into listening to lengthy podcasts or reading books, there are also affirmation videos out there on youtube. These videos focus on sharing positive mantras to repeat to yourself so that your subconscious can believe them. Many people repeat negative affirmations to themselves (such as “I’m so stupid”) which they eventually believe subconsciously, so by listening to these positive affirmations, one can retrain their mind to develop more trust in themselves.
All these self-growth materials can connect you closer to yourself and help you grow as a person. I highly recommend checking out at least one of these materials whether it is a podcast, book or affirmation video. It only takes a couple of minutes to try them out, so why not go for it?
- Stop Ignoring Your Needs
My lack of balance with myself had caused lots of problems with stating my own needs and setting boundaries. I found it difficult to connect to myself on that deeper level because I constantly ignored how I felt for the fear that external validations would disappear if I did share it. This cognitive belief has held me back from being authentic, and it also put a weight on my shoulders. I learned (and am still learning) that it is important to state how I feel in situations as a means of self-respect and being authentic to those around me. Once I started to feel more comfortable sharing my needs and boundaries, I found the weight got lighter until it disappeared.
While it may be difficult training yourself to suddenly change cognitive and subconscious beliefs, you can take small steps towards the goal of stating your needs. You can start with something small. Perhaps your friend wants to go get boba but you are writing an essay that is due that night. And perhaps the old you would have agreed to go even though you don’t want to for fear of a negative reaction. The new you devoted towards growth can take the small steps to state that you have to write your essay and can go get boba on a different day. You can start small and work your way up toward stating your needs. Even just awareness that you have certain needs is the first step towards noticing them and taking action.
It can be scary to state needs and setbacks happen. But healing and growth are not linear. Sometimes you will find yourselves two steps back from where you are, but you will always grow if you keep making the effort to get to know yourself and listen to your body, mind and needs. I believe in you and I hope that you believe in yourself too.