My friend, Gatsby, recently showed me a song called “New Perspective” by Noah Kahan. Looking at the lyrics now, it looks a little silly, but give it a listen. The song’s premise is shown through a metaphor, a relationship experiencing unwanted distance comparable to the ever-changing modern world. Times are not as simple as they once were, and things are changing faster than you can put your own feet on the ground. In with the new, and yet we are still holding onto the old.
As summer approaches, I feel rather bittersweet. If you have been reading my articles throughout the past school year, you would know that these past few months have been, to put it quite simply, very challenging. There were some nights that I just felt entirely helpless. I was holding onto the old, defining myself by my own memories from years prior. I could not fix people’s perceptions of me, no matter how hard I tried, and I could not lift the weight of experience off me, a heavy blanket that would lull me to sleep. It was dreamless, yet deep. I would never wake on my own accord, but rather wait for an alarm to pull me through the next day.
One morning, months after everything fell apart, I opened my eyes to a gentle hue of blue light sitting in my room. It was mid-February and the icy cold air that crept past the glass of my window grasped my shoulders as I sat up. With heavy eyes, I checked my phone. It was 6:38 in the morning. Without a second thought, I laid my head down, wrapped my comforter around my body, and fell back into a deep sleep.
Like clockwork, this would happen again, and again, and again.
And suddenly, the dreams returned. Whether lucid, or entirely random, they would appear every night and leave with a goodbye as I would wake at 6:38, check the time, and close my eyes once more.
At first, I did not think much of this frequent occurrence. Everyone wakes up at random times throughout the night, but every time I awoke, I felt refreshed and calm. It was not until today, when I woke up at my traditional 6:38, that there was something out of order… there was a small smile on my face. Call me a maniac, and you may be correct, but as I listened to Noah Kahan throughout my morning routine, and while brainstorming what exactly to write for this article, I realized I had finally done it. I had accepted the old, every corner of it. I had let it hurt me in every place it could, and when it was finally done with its torment, it quietly left. It did not happen suddenly or noticeably, but viciously slow, like getting out of your warm bed in the morning. It’s a pain in the moment that leaves as soon as you splash your face with cold water. And without knowing, I looked at those pictures for one last time, stopped listening to that song to feel a certain sense of nostalgia and avoided reaching my hand out to those who would only slap it away.
The weight I once slept with softly dissipated, leaving nothing but the warmth of new memories, with new faces that slowly patched a quilt of happier endings for my days.
Leaving the poetic antics behind, my point is that you must stop grasping onto the old. People leave, things change and everything is entirely out of your control, whether you want to think it is or not. How people view you, or what they say, is not dictated by your actions alone, but rather who they are as an individual. Stop trying to prove yourself to anyone but you. You will disappoint someone, make them furiously angry or incredibly sad, and they will do the same to you. That is all a part of life. The beauty of experiences and memories is that they shape and mold you into what you are today, but the even better part is that it is not permanent. You are allowed to change, and you should seek it! Allow people to enter your life and build a home in your heart, allow for new opportunities and encounters, and allow yourself a new perspective.
As the warm air starts to dance throughout town, with buds decorating trees and the sun (sometimes) shining, I am incredibly excited for the summer. I am blessed with a loving family and true friends and am so grateful for all the days ahead of me. But I will never forget this year, and, in an odd way, I am glad it happened. Freshman year was formative, but this year truly shaped who I am. So, thank you to everyone, the good, the bad and even the ugly.
HAGS!