Halfway into my first semester of college, after a rather terrible few days, I felt the sudden urge to grab my car keys and drive until I hit the mountains or ran out of gas. Whichever came first.
I didn’t, of course, given that it was a weekday and I had important commitments, but that didn’t mean I stopped wanting to run away. I later asked one of my friends if they wanted to come, and though they were unable to join me, I went anyway. Once life finally calmed down, I drove to Estes Park, a small mountain town about an hour and a half away from my dorm.
I had no plan and no companion, just a playlist and a vibe. I came to realize during my adventure that I was the only person I saw traveling alone.
I’ve always known I have a strong sense of independence. Never have I been the girl that needed to travel to class with a group of friends. Once, I had a friend ask me to walk around school with them so they “looked cool,” and it baffled me. It made me ask myself, do I need another person to travel with? Should I feel ashamed that doing things alone doesn’t scare me? Am I wrong to want to just… function all on my own?
The answer to all these questions would be, “absolutely not.”
What Is hyper-independence?
I’m so glad you asked. Hyper-independence is typically seen as a bad thing. Google, ever the trustworthy source, defines it as “an excessive or unhealthy level of independence.” It frames hyper-independence as a trauma response.
Look: I’ll admit I’ve definitely been on the negative end of hyper-independence. I can see how one would argue that it’s harmful, because like most things, it absolutely can be. It’s even highlighted in pop culture with Netflix’s Wednesday, which demonstrates again and again that refusing to ask for help and doing everything on your own will ultimately be harmful.
There were times in my life where I didn’t have friends, because I didn’t want them. I wanted to rely on myself, I wanted to be alone. Those definitely weren’t good times.
But that was years ago. We grow, and we move on. Hyper-independence, in my personal definition, is the ability to do things, go places, and rely on yourself when you need to. I’ve taken what used to be a rather harmful part of my life and turned it into a super power.
Learning To utilize it
Hyper-independence has its downsides. With the right mindset, it can be turned into a tool. In times when I used to do things on my own, I’ll ask if anybody wants to join me. If they don’t, I go anyway. Nothing gets between me and adventures. If you spend your life waiting for someone to come with you, you might find yourself waiting forever.
Hyper-independence has allowed me to develop so much. Things like my own style, and my own skills. I always found it weird when people would say, “I’m wearing this tomorrow, but I don’t want to be alone, will someone do it with me?”
Do it alone. Do it scared. Do it tired and sad and all of these things because you know what’s worse?
Doing nothing at all.
If I wasn’t confident enough to do things by myself, I don’t know that I ever would have made it to college at UNC. I chose to go to a school where I knew nobody. I knew that I’d be alone at first, but I took the scary step and accepted it. Let me tell you, that was the best decision of my life.
I’m in a lot of spaces that are not “friendly” for somebody like me to be in. I’m a member of the UNC marching band, on the drum line (though drums are not my primary instrument). It’s a lot of fun, one of my favorite things I’ve ever been a part of, but it’s not common for Jazz Studies majors like myself to participate. There are only a handful of non-music majors, and most Jazz Studies students are double majoring in Music Ed, which requires two years of marching band. I’m just there for sh*ts and giggles. I’ve had several people, including teachers in my program, ask why I, a jazz bassist, would be a part of a marching band.
Because it’s fun. Because I don’t need to fit in. Why the hell not? The answers are endless. I feel like some people would crumble and quit because it isn’t quite the “norm.” For me, my answer is: F*ck that.
How You can be more Independent
There are easy ways to develop independence. Go to lunch by yourself, go to the gym alone. In a day and age where having a boyfriend is embarrassing, just go on a solo date. It may seem daunting at first, but once you take that first step, it’s all smooth sailing.
Life is meant to be lived. Yes, it’s fun with people, but it can also be really cool to see what you can accomplish alone. I say this not because I have no friends, but because I don’t depend on others to hold me up. You shouldn’t either. You might be shocked at what you can do when you don’t let anything, or anyone, hold you back.