I’ve been a fan, or “phan,” of Dan and Phil for over a decade. As a kid obsessed with YouTubers and online creators, I found in Dan Howell and Phil Lester the parasocial connection that I’d been craving. I could tell you all about my parasocial relationships with micro-celebrities that have shaped my life, but this story is about the two creators who never gave in to my unhealthy fan obsession. And how, after years of toxicity, they managed to build a healthier relationship with their audience.
As a sheltered middle schooler, I spent most of my time on Tumblr, Twitter, and Reddit. Dangerous places for a kid, but also where I found a sense of belonging in fandoms. Whether it was Twilight, Shawn Mendes, or Phan, there was always some type of online identity for me to fall back on. When I was around 14, I even attended Dan and Phil’s stage show, Interactive Introverts, and felt a wave of overwhelming joy.
But here’s the issue: as a child, I had parasocial relationships. I shipped real people. I stalked, searched, and speculated, constantly digging for “evidence” of something that was never meant to be public. I even convinced my family to stop in London on a family vacation in 2019, just in case I ran into Dan and Phil. I didn’t realize the harm that I was causing or the pressure that this kind of obsession could put on the people behind the screen.
When Dan released his coming out video “Basically I’m Gay” in 2019, I was not surprised. I had already uncovered relics from their earlier internet days and convinced myself that I knew the truth before they were ready to share it. Later, when Phil came out as well, it felt like a book was closing.
Because of the speculation and intensity from fans like me, Dan took a break from the internet after coming out. During that time, I grew up. I went from scrolling Tumblr for hours to checking my LinkedIn. Looking back, I think that Dan stepping away was not only healthy for him but for fans like me, too. We needed time to mature and have experiences beyond the screen.
Now, am I still someone with a slight parasocial connection to Dan and Phil’s personas? Absolutely. But I’m also someone who has spent years studying parasocial relationships and media dynamics. Their decision to maintain privacy and take long hiatuses wasn’t just personal. It reflected a broader awareness of how constant exposure can blur boundaries between creators and audiences.
When Dan and Phil Games eventually returned, I finally understood. The walls they put up and the “keep out” signs made sense to me. Instead of searching for “evidence” online, I simply clicked the like button. Watching their new videos felt less like sleuthing and more like being a third wheel for two people who were finally comfortable with themselves. It brought me the same peace and belonging I felt all those years ago, without the obsession.
So, was I shocked when they publicly confirmed what many of us already believed? Not really. Was there still a part of me that screamed with excitement? Of course. Even my mother was sending me articles.
Now, at 21, older than Dan and Phil when they started their YouTube careers, I can confidently say that I’m happy for them, and for myself. A part of me will always feel sorry for the years I spent speculating about their lives instead of simply appreciating the joy they gave me, but I am grateful that I can do so now. They found comfort in their authenticity, and I found a life outside of the internet.