I know right now, because of COVID-19, many of my friends are stuck in a house full of people who don’t accept them as who they are. They have no other place to go and are facing abuse at the hands of the very people who are supposed to love and care for them. I know what it feels like to be in a situation where who you are, what you feel and what you believe is not respected. It’s a trauma that worsens if you return to where it began.
Walking through hallways, we feel like we are constantly being bombarded with memories of cousins turning away, aunts going cold, sisters and brothers leaving in disgust, fathers slapping you, mothers going quiet and grandmothers leaving you in the dust. All because we are back in the same house that began it all. Each of us fight our own devils but the feeling of being unloved is universal for anyone who has felt someone turn away. So today, I write this letter for my friends who are in pain, and for myself. This letter is for anyone who has felt estranged from their families due to differences. I hope I make you see that I understand and that you are not alone.
If you’re like me, you spend all your life loving your family. You give them everything you can. You fall in love with every bit of them and we, as human beings, go to extraordinary lengths to keep them in our lives. We spend thousands to go see them, we change who we are in some cases just to be loved —to feel like we belong. We can’t imagine not having someone in our lives and then sometimes… we get brave and tell them how we feel about something, something huge, and we expect loving arms in return because that’s all we’ve ever given them. But they decide to show us what it feels like to die still alive.
They say they never loved you.
They say you weren’t even there for them.
That you didn’t love them enough.
Why can’t you just be someone else.
Then suddenly everything you built comes crashing down and the peace you once found in another place is gone. And the sick and twisted part is that you still love them because you are sitting here and you still feel intense love when you think of this person or persons. You feel angry and lost and so damn confused. Why can’t they love you the way you love them? Why can’t they love you unconditionally?
You know what I’ve learned, friends? You won’t stop loving them. But there will be a day where you think of them and you won’t cry. You will be silent. Maybe there will be pain and loss, but you won’t feel the stab as much. Perhaps it’s because you have gone numb. Or maybe it’s because it’s just been “long enough.” But I promise a day will come where you will find the sun beaming on your face and you won’t run because you will have found the peace inside you. I’m not saying this because I have found my peace because I haven’t. But I believe one day you’ll stop and you’ll settle. And maybe it will be in the very place it all went to hell we never know. You’re not alone. I promise. I’m right there too. Running for now.