It was a different feeling, being on this side of the board. It was a different thrill. Instead of running after, she was running away and boy, did it feel good.
She was tired of the sun and the moon and the stars. She was tired of being hurt and things not going her way. So, she left.
It was a different feeling, after being heartbroken for so long. She had always done what she was told and followed and submitted. She always just sat there wishing that one day, others would realize who she was. But now she got it. She wasn’t there for others to get, to realize. The only thing that mattered here was herself, and what she thought of herself.
So, she left. She went to go find herself.
And now she was back.
He hadn’t seen her yet, she made sure of it. A part of her was scared to show him how much she had changed. She wondered if he would be disappointed that she didn’t need him anymore. She wondered if he had changed as well.
And with that thought, her mood dropped a bit. She didn’t know why she was so disappointed. Wouldn’t it be hypocritical for her to have changed and not wanting him to have? A part of her wanted him to care and notice she was different. She wanted him to realize that he was wrong in letting her go. She wanted him to regret it. It almost made her stomach queasy to think that he’d forgotten her.
It wouldn’t be fair. It wouldn’t be fair that she left and changed and moved her whole life around just so she could get away from him only for him not to think about her anymore. Because sometimes, she found herself thinking about him. She thought about him a lot.
She was twitching with nerves walking up the porch. She didn’t even know half the people here. She was only gone two years and it seemed that people had forgotten her. She didn’t mind too much.
She knew he’d be here.
For a second, she had to stop and remind herself that she wasn’t doing it for him. She had to tell herself that. She had to stop and remember that she was the most important thing in her life. He was not her sun. He was not her stars and the moon. Not anymore.
She wouldn’t let herself fall back into that. She had worked too hard to leave all of that behind. And that little thing in her heart that was fluttering its wings was shameful for her because she didn’t want to look forward to seeing him. She didn’t want his approval.
She got herself a drink at the makeshift bar and turned around to look a bit more closely at the people. She recognized some but she felt like a stranger. She felt as if she was trespassing.
While letting her eyes wander, she caught his. It was barely there for a fleeting moment before he looked right past her. She had to reassure herself that he hadn’t seen her.
She looked at the girl’s hands on his arm and the drink she was swallowing almost got stuck in her throat. She forced it down.
Maybe loving him didn’t have to mean that she was dependent on him. Maybe she could love him better this time around. Maybe he did change. Maybe she kind of wanted him to. They had to have been better people than two years ago.
They had to have.
She threw back the rest of her drink and made her way back to him.