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10 People at your Holiday Dinner Table: As Told by Parks and Rec

1. The champagne hording aunt

Joan Calamezo: Potentially my favorite guest, the “shamps” aunt of the family never ceases to amaze me.. Personally, I find that the champagne hogging aunt tends to blur the lines of her age and embodies the twenty-something she never was. And when she passes out early in the afternoon, it won’t be from a food coma.

2. The control freak hostess

Leslie Knope: The control freak hostess can be found micromanaging all activity in the kitchen and can be found with a solo cup in her hand. She will calmly reply with “it’s just water” when you ask what she’s drinking, but the moment she sets the cup down and leaves the room you take a sip. Long story short, it is the farthest thing from water.

3. The “place food item here” master uncle

Ron Swanson: You get the tendency to lock this uncle in the closet because you can’t stand to hear for the fiftieth time how he made the chutney, but seconds after having a bite of his food you adore him again.

4. The new and familiar significant other

Ann Perkins (New Female): I don’t think I’m too far off the grid when I say “Oh honey…” is probably what comes to mind when you meet this person for the very first time. They may not have said anything deserving of it either. But even though you silently pass judgment, you appreciate what effort she does make in whatever form it comes in and are able to overlook the fact that she is yet another “Oh honey…” conquest of your brother’s.

Jean-Ralphio (Familiar Male): You are amazed every year when you see this guest walk into the room holding hands with your sister. By now you thought that she surely would be repulsed by his obnoxious f***boy ways and would have dumped him. He doesn’t try to impress your relatives anymore and his manners are nonexistent. He’s a grown child who reminds you every holiday season to wait a healthy amount of time before dating again after a breakup or you’ll end up with a rebound you somehow can’t shake off.

5. The paleo diet enthusiast

Chris Traeger: The paleo diet enthusiast is a buzz kill to say the least. You will find yourself seriously questioning life and it’s meaning as you try to understand why anyone would want to eat this healthy. To make matters worst this guest will even insist on you trying the healthy version of a food item they brought and will swear it tastes the same; don’t fall for this, it’s a trap. I repeat, it is a trap.

6. The “anywhere but here” cousin/all pre-teens and teens

April Ludgate: This kid is a candid spirit who doesn’t think twice before making a passive aggressive remark. They’ll make for some awesome entertainment and maybe even a quality snapchat video, but the real perk of this puberty-ridden soul is there’s no bulls**t with them. Be sure to dodge them if you see they’re wearing their infamous broody scowl though, you do not want be a victim of their wrath.

7. The long lost siblings

Tom Havorford (brother) and Donna Meagle (sister): Or in some cases also known as the “golden child.” They live in either a different city or state and whenever they visit home, your parent’s mentality goes from zero to “treat yo-self” real quick. So last week when you wanted them to buy you a bottle of Vodka for Bloody Mary’s and they said no, get one of the long lost siblings to ask for it. Your parents won’t be able to resist the opportunity to spoil the sibling they don’t see enough of.

8. The kids-table champion

Andy Dwyer: Shout out to this guest because they’re the real MVP of the holiday dinner season.  They can’t help but let their inner child come out to play when surrounded by all the little chillens’ and most cases they don’t even realize it’s happening. By unintentionally entertaining the kids, they keep them out of the adults’ hair for a few glasses of some much-needed wine.

9. The Pity Invite

Garry, Jerry, Larry, Terry Gergich: No description necessary.

10. The Collegiate/Twenty-Something

Li’l Sebastian: Ah, the best for last… us millenials. Similar to Lil Sebastian, we are a pop culture phenomenon in everyone’s eyes. They see the way we communicate, the way we dress, and our overall embodiment of being a complete and total savage to where they can’t help but be in awe of us.

Rebekah /rɪ'bɛkə/ (noun) 1. Junior at the University of Houston majoring in broadcast journalism, 2. Outdoor enthusiast (as well as all things lumbersexual), 3. Star Wars aficionado, 4. Hot mess of a 21-year-old whose interests include all things that contradict one another, 5. Coffee fanatic. Stay weird with her on Twitter/Instagram: @RebekahCeleste
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