College is supposed to be the time when you become independent. You learn how to manage your schedule, balance classes, jobs, friendships and everything else that comes with being on your own.
For many college women, independence feels empowering. Being able to handle things yourself is something to be proud of.
But there’s another side of it that people don’t really talk about.
Sometimes independence slowly turns into isolation. You get used to doing everything on your own, and before you realize it, people stop checking in because they assume you’re fine.
I talked to a few girls in my life about how independence shows up for them and whether it ever starts to feel lonely.
“People assume you’re always okay.”
My cousin, Zainab, once said that when people see you as independent, they stop asking if you need help.
“I think when people see you handling everything, they assume you’re always fine,” she said. “If you’re doing well in school or managing your schedule, people think you don’t need support. But sometimes you still want someone to check in.”
Many college women become the “strong friend,” the one who seems to have everything together. But even the people who appear the most independent still want support sometimes.
“You get used to doing everything yourself.”
My friend, Sophie, said independence can feel exciting at first, but over time, it can start to feel heavier.
“At first it’s empowering because you’re figuring things out on your own,” she said. “But then you realize you’ve gotten so used to dealing with everything by yourself that you stop reaching out, even when you probably should.”
College life moves fast, and it’s easy to fall into the habit of handling things alone because it feels easier than trying to explain what you’re going through.
“Sometimes you just want someone to ask how you’re really doing.”
My coworker, Sarah, said that asking for help can sometimes feel uncomfortable.
“I don’t always want to ask for support,” she said. “Sometimes I just wish someone would notice I’m having a rough week and ask if I’m okay.”
Small moments of someone checking in can mean more than we realize, especially when everyone around you seems busy with their own responsibilities.
“Being independent doesn’t mean you don’t need people.”
My high school friend, Maria, said independence can sometimes make people feel like they shouldn’t ask for help.
“There’s this pressure to look like you have everything together,” she said. “But being independent doesn’t mean you never need people. Everyone needs support sometimes.”
Her perspective highlights something important: independence and connection can coexist.
College is often about learning how to rely on yourself, but that doesn’t mean you have to go through everything alone. Wanting someone to check in, asking for help, or leaning on the people around you doesn’t make you less independent. It just means you’re more human. Sometimes the strongest people are the ones who allow themselves to be “supported,” too.