Three Decembers

*Trigger warning* *Contains images of sexual assault*

 

Dear somebody I should hate,

 

You know what you did three Decembers ago.

Because of you, I have three Decembers of pain to go.

 

When we met, I was dancing in the sunlight.

You’d never danced before, but I made it look like the time of your life.

So, I took your hand, and you followed me.

I taught you how to dance, but it wasn’t long before you were

Pulling my strings.

 

I became your puppet, and I was okay with that.

You made me happy, and I never looked back.

The leaves turned from a vivid green

To a broken brown on the bank of the stream.

 

You became my sun

Shining over me.

And I put your hope and dreams

Before everything,

Hoping you would do the same for me.

 

I should have seen it coming

When you, like a honeybee,

Buzzed to any flower that

You sensed, begging to pollinate.

 

That night your honey

Couldn’t mask your sting.

You were a monster who wasn’t capable of love.

I gave you everything.

You left me with nothing.

 

Like cold wind whirling through a window,

You came creeping in three Decembers ago.

I didn’t want you to enter my soul,

But you didn’t listen and from me you stole

 

Everything.

Everything that was innocent

Like I was nothing.

The bloodstains bear witness to my battle,

But I guess I wasn’t strong enough to stop you that night.

 

Two days later I saw you in the library.

My hands grasped the shelves for support as I was trembling.

Pages and pages covered with stories,

But no one knew yours and mine.

I blamed myself for not writing the book.

 

My body began to break down.

 

You know what you did three Decembers ago.

Because of this three Decembers you owe.

 

But I’ll be doing your time

Because I still have you on my mind.

You got to walk away free.

You don’t even think of me.

You don’t even think of your crime.

 

Some nights I think I still love you.

I curl up shivering in bed

Like the night I did when you took my heart

Before I gave it.

 

Some days I want to forgive you

But worry if I do,

That I’m saying what you did to me

Means nothing at all.

That I’m saying what you did wasn’t unforgivable.

 

That I’m saying you can do whatever you want, and I’ll always come crawling back.

If I’m still in love with you what does that say about me?

You walked away after hurting me

And I stayed begging on my knees.

 

You ravished my body

And left me to bleed.

So why do I want you

To come back to me?

 

If I forgive you, am I saying I deserved it?

If I still love you after that, do I not love myself?

 

But if I let you go, will I ever love again?

Do I push everybody else away because I’m afraid

I’ll never love them the way I used to love you?

Or do I push them away because I am afraid

That they will do what you did?

 

I’ll think it over for the next three years.

For the next three years, I won’t shackle my tears

Like you shackled me to your heart

And didn’t leave the key when you drove away in your car.

 

You can’t take back three Decembers ago.

Before then I was happy, but I guess I’ll never know

Again the happiness from before you shot me with your bow.

I’ll leave you behind in three Decembers though.

Until I dance in the sun again, I’ve got three Decembers to go.

Three Decembers more until my heart forgets the pierce of your arrow.

 

Love,

Somebody who should hate you.