As a 22-year-old woman living in a college town that runs on hookup culture, making the conscious choice to be celibate for a year was a big one for me. At the beginning of the fall semester, I decided I wanted to spend my senior year being celibate and not allow any man to ruin my peace. I ended a toxic relationship back in July 2021 and am at the midway point in my celibacy journey at this time. The last time I was single was junior year of high school, so I never really gave myself the time to date myself and learn to love myself, and the woman I was becoming, without any unnecessary distractions.
Many people assume that my decision to be celibate is for religious purposes. While many men and women do decide to be celibate for that reason, my reasoning was motivated by the need to self-heal and regain my power. I was never one to engage in hookup culture to begin with, but after a few long-term relationships and bad breakups, I needed the time and space alone to be able to process all that I have been through, as well as begin to appreciate myself more. I have always lost myself in relationships, so I really needed to heal from my past relationships to make sure I would never fall into bad habits or bad relationships again. I would spend the next year dating myself, figuring out exactly what I wanted and setting all of my non-negotiables and boundaries. I decided that the next man I call my boyfriend will be worthy of the title and will hopefully be my husband. In the meantime, I am spending this time alone becoming the best possible version of myself so that one day, I can attract the perfect person for me.
After speaking with some close friends, I realized that a lot of people engage in hookup culture as a means to distract themselves or to seek intimacy in ways that are not usually ever fulfilling to them. When I thought about my own personal reasons for why I would engage in hookup culture, I discovered that none of the reasons were good enough to allow a man to come in and ruin my peace. I believe that when you have sex with someone, there is a transfer of energy, so I do not want someone’s energy that I do not trust to be enmeshed with mine. Some may think that hookup culture will increase your confidence because you are getting that constant validation from others; however, if you are constantly seeking validation from others, your perception of yourself is put in someone else’s hands, so you will never truly be comfortable and confident in your own skin. I have grown far more confident being celibate because I do not have to worry about being overly sexualized or only seen as an object by men who do not respect me.
So far, I have found being celibate to be really empowering. I do not feel like I owe anyone anything and have been able to solely focus on myself. I spend every moment of every day doing things for me and only me, and I never have to put someone else’s needs above mine. I feel in control of my body and take pride in knowing that one day when I am ready, I will only allow the right person to get close to me. Six months in, I am already much more confident in my abilities to recognize if someone is going to be right for me or not. I have developed a better sense of self and have picked up several hobbies. I am saying yes to more plans with friends and building better relationships with my friends, family and myself. Being alone has made me feel more independent and confident.
Although sometimes hearing all of my friends’ stories makes me feel like I might be missing out on something, I am excited to be able to celebrate a one-year anniversary with myself and am slowly falling more in love with myself every day. I love getting to know myself and exploring all my wants and desires without feeling the need to please anyone else.