I’d sooner claim any title than that of a philosopher. I’ve read my fair share of Sartre and Nietzsche, but I’m no more able to answer life’s greatest mysteries than the next over-worked English major. I’m sure most people wouldn’t harbor enough pretension to claim knowledge on the meaning of life. Clearly, I have a fair amount of strong opinions, but they largely operate around one central theme: equality, tolerance and respect for all. The premise seems simple enough—fairly agreeable to most—yet I’m continually confronted with society’s intolerance and disrespect of the independence and free will of women. We constantly strive for gender equality in the law, in the workplace and, very slowly, in our socialization. Yet, some ideas are impossible to kill. Our society has an infuriating tendency to dictate to women their supposed life’s purpose: making babies.
It is assumed that a woman’s ultimate goal in life is marriage and subsequently children. Beyond a simple desire, this is seen as a woman’s purpose. I have several female friends, most in their mid-twenties, who have decided not to have children. Women who make this decision public are harangued with a never-ending barrage of “you’ll change your mind” or “every woman wants children!” Women are lumped together and generalized under the umbrella of “babymaker.” Motherhood is an assumed part of every woman’s life, something she must factor into her career and her relationships. If a woman does not desire children, she must be inherently flawed, unemotional or perhaps a victim of abuse. Yet, when men express a lack of interest in fatherhood, they’re just “bachelors.”
Motherhood, unlike anything else in a woman’s life, is permanent and life-altering. Is it so absurd that some women would rather opt out? Granted, the decision to have children is perfectly valid, selfless and awesome! The shame put on women who choose otherwise, however, is not. The problem here lies mainly with the ideology of a woman’s purpose and what is meant to fulfill her. Women have been pre-set with these questions already answered for them, while men have the luxury of existential contemplation and a host of other philosophic indulgences. Women are daughters, wives and then mothers, with each role supposedly more fulfilling than the last. Poor, unfortunate men have the trouble of finding self-actualization and purpose, while women are reminded of theirs through the blinding pain of childbirth.
Unlike men, women aren’t allowed to self-actualize through careers, art or—heaven forbid—themselves. A woman without children is failed and unfulfilled. For all these reasons, women who decide early in life to forgo motherhood are young and confused. Women are told they haven’t “found the right guy yet” or are burdened with a multitude of different—but all equally insulting—remarks. The simple and terrible truth is that motherhood is seen as a woman’s greatest achievement, and though it can be a source of joy and love for many women, it should not be a woman’s sole identity.
As I discussed last week in regard to marriage, as women, we are constantly combating the pressure of society’s imposed definitions. Throughout all of human history, men have always had worth in their own right while women were awarded worth through their fathers, their husbands and eventually their sons. Motherhood should be a choice made from love, but it is more often treated as an expectation.
This problematic view not only affects women on an emotional level, but it also begins to creep into our politics, as the reproductive choices of women are constantly the subject of legislation. Until women are wholly recognized as independent—not financially or in any other traditional sense—but as conscious human beings capable of autonomous self-actualization, our choices will continue to be questioned, our bodies legislated and our life’s purpose dictated to us.