For what seems like countless weeks, I imagined that adult-like preparations, with a looming sense of my underdetermined future, was the most stressed I could possibly feel. The planning, the paperwork and all the mundane forms that determined every move I would make until graduation were endless. The sheer workload was enough to make me pull my hair out, let alone attempting to find a unique and persuasive voice that would compel people to hire me, send me overseas or just give me the opportunity to prove myself. The last six years have appeared to be a grandiose show of capability. I’ve been trying to prove myself since I was fourteen years old. More often than not, it feels like a ruse or a lie. Like I’ve somehow sneakily managed to trick colleges, employers and advisers that I was qualified enough to take a change on. I find myself stumbling through each passing situation attempting to gain my footing, to pass for mature and talented, even though I feel quite the opposite.
I recognize that I’m too hard on myself, too negative. But this stumbling doesn’t feel like the gradual maturation and confidence I always defined as “adulthood.” Having just turned 21, I know that no one expects me to have all the answers to life’s questions, but I find it difficult just to answer my own. I thought the planning would be the hardest part — the “proving” — but what I never considered was the decision. How do real adults deal with difficult conflicts, when life is pulling you in two different directions and you aren’t sure which way to lean? Not all decisions are as clear as we’d like, and the choices we make are not always wholly good or bad. Sometimes it seems impossible to decide what benefits us the most.
My choice was simple: Which internship do I take? My options were in two different fields and two different locations. My mind was exponentially conflicted. Facing a decision that will certainly make an impact — the extent of which is impossible to say — I find it excruciating to make a choice, perhaps my first real adult dilemma. It seems that all my toiling has finally achieved results, but I’m stuck at a crossroads of opportunity. Perhaps this is the best-case scenario. The fact that I have options at all is a blessing, but in the end, a decision must be made. How does one go about making real adult decisions?
My initial response was to make a pro/con list a la Rory Gilmore. At first, I thought I was repeating things I already knew, but being able to visualize my negative thoughts made them easier to tackle and dissect. I thought critically about the cons on my list and what I could do to turn them into pros. I found it enormously helpful to find a problem to tackle or a puzzle to solve so I could ignore my inner conflict. The part that most scared me about my future — choosing between two different paths — was the uncertainty involved — the lack of control. In attempting to turn my cons into pros, I took back the control in whatever capacity I could. I took a negative situation like “living on my own in a strange city,” and I attempted to look at it through a more optimistic lens, rather seeing it as “exploring a new place and being independent!”
Sometimes, the biggest decisions we face are surrounded by fear—fear of new experiences, independence or the looming future. The only way I’ve been able to deal with this fear is to accept it as part of growing up. I’m facing real, scary decisions but face them I must. I could continue to be scared or stressed, but I’m robbing myself of the opportunity to be excited. New experiences are scary, and deciding what jobs or internships to accept or decline is even scarier. We’re all worried about regretting our actions or missing opportunities. I’ve had to remind myself that if I continue to fear life, I simply won’t live. I’ve coped with decision making by taking charge of my situation—doing everything I can to tailor the circumstances—and talking to trusted friends. An outside perspective is priceless and refreshing, bringing a clarity that my own clouded head had lost.
As we all creep closer to graduation, and all the wonder and dread it brings, these big decisions will certainly be more frequent. I can’t offer a wealth of universal truths or even cogent advice. I can only relay my own musings and personal perspective. Benefit yourself by allowing yourself to succeed, even if it scares you.