Although we might be decking the halls with boughs of holly, it’s OK to feel down during the holiday season
Crackling fireplaces, fuzzy socks, cozy living rooms, homemade dinners, heartfelt gifts. The holidays are full of love, kindness, giving and caring, so why am I feeling so blue?
Whether it is the colder weather or the nostalgia in the air, it is common to feel down during the holiday season, especially during November and December. WebMD explains how balancing the demands of the holidays can bring stress, fatigue, unrealistic expectations, financial stress, among other things.
Winter brings along a season of giving and sharing, but also brings the pressure of exams, buying gifts and missing the people who will not be at the dinner table. As the semester comes to an end, every academic responsibility heightens and the multiple sources of stress in our lives seem to unite against us. At the same time, we start remembering those we’ve lost and those who left us.
The National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI) wrote in a 2014 press release that 64% of people with mental illness said the holidays make their conditions worse. But the blues and gloominess of the season are not reserved to those with mental health conditions. The pressure and stress of these months can put a damper on anyone’s enjoyment of the upcoming holidays.
Although many factors contribute to the holiday blues, one of the biggest influences are expectations. One of the saddest New Year’s Eves I ever had was one when I didn’t have a party with my family. Our closest family members had gone on vacation, so there was no gift exchange or countdown; it was just my mom, my grandmother and me. It wasn’t a bad time, but the chairs were empty at the dinner table, and the house was far too quiet for a celebration of the new year. So, I received 2016 with tears.
This sentiment of nostalgia and missing those who are gone become more prevalent now that I live in another country. I believe that Christmas was more fun during my childhood. I loved the fireworks and I asked for a Dance Dance Revolution mat from Santa. But in reality, I know I am remembering those holidays through rose-colored glasses. There is no one way to have a good holiday, there is no need to have snow and hot cocoa or have a huge holiday party and kiss someone when the clock strikes midnight. It is these expectations of the perfect holiday that we think we remember in the past and see on TV shows and movies. These false depictions sometimes make us yearn for something better. Acknowledging those impossible expectations to recreate a perfect holiday can help us feel better about our plans for the season and decrease the level of pressure we put on ourselves.
Similar issues with expectations apply to the gift-giving of the season. My love language is words of affirmation, and I enjoy spending time with the ones I love, but when it comes to gifts, I falter. I used to love making gifts and giving people little cards and mementos for every single holiday, from Christmas to Valentine’s Day and even Halloween. Over time, however, I have become weary of it. I started noticing how much I was giving and how little I was receiving, or I felt ashamed of only being able to give someone a letter and a small gift when they got me something flashy and expensive. The expectations I had for the season were way out of my financial capabilities, and it made me feel unaccomplished and useless. Now, I have learned my limits and accept that I can only give a little. I appreciate every single gift I get, no matter how big or small. Although awareness of these things has not made my blues completely go away, it has helped alleviate the stress I put on myself during this season and has made giving a far more enjoyable act.
The holidays can also be tainted by things we can’t control. For example, this is the time of the year when I miss my mom the most. Cassi Ott writes for the Abegglen Counseling blog about how grief hits a peak during the holidays. It is a time we hope to spend with loved ones, so every empty seat at the table weighs a little heavier when it’s time to eat the Thanksgiving turkey or open the Christmas gift.
One of my favorite songs from the Venezuelan band Vos Veis is called “Ven a mi casa esta Navidad,” which translates to “Come to my house this Christmas.” It sings to a person who seems to be away from his family and his home, and the singer invites them to come into their own home for Christmas, offers them an extra space at the table and welcomes them as a temporary member of their family. I always loved the song, but I have come to understand this feeling better after leaving my home country. During the holidays, we turn to those around us for comfort, so when we are away from our families and traditions, we start forming our own make-shift families and merging traditions. This forms a beautiful mix of people from different backgrounds and history that find a place to call home in each other.
I think that’s what the holidays are all about. Everyone in the world can show their love for those around them at the same time. Holidays are unifying and humbling, and it is OK to feel down when you think of the flaws each holiday has. I am still learning to love the gloom and melancholy of the season as much as I love its beauty and shine. Although I’m not an expert, the best advice I can give is to hold on tight to those you love and to be gentle with yourself during this time. There might be people gone and financial issues and stress from finals, but there is also a certain beauty in a season of endings that can bring about fantastic change.