If you’ve listened to Sabrina Claudio’s Confidently Lost, you’ll know exactly what I’m talking about. If you haven’t, listen to it because it’ll undoubtedly improve your playlist.
The other day, I was listening (jamming) to Ms. Sabrina in the shower when this song came on. I hadn’t heard it in a few months, and as I was watching my shampoo make its way through the drain, it dawned on me: Confidently Lost perfectly embodies my life right now.
“I’m alone, but I’m not lonely.”
The first line in the song is one of my favorites. Most of us are alone right now, cooped up in our apartments with our fingers glued to a keyboard, and our eyes fixed on a screen. It’s the first time we’re learning how to spend time with ourselves — and enjoying that company for a lot of us.
“And trying to get to know me.”
For a long time, it felt like a failure to be alone. It meant that if I can’t find a partner, no one wants to commit to spending time with me. We measure our worth by how and why people are with us.
“I don’t need you to find me. You don’t define me.”
That’s why we spend so much time looking. Looking for people to date, to be friends with, to be with. We spend countless hours texting and talking, trying to get to know them so that we can make them happier.
Yet, we don’t place that emphasis on ourselves. I’ve had 20 years with this mind and body, but when someone asks me what I like to do for fun, my mind blanks like they’re asking about a stranger. It should have been a priority to get to know myself because I’ll spend more time with me than with any other person in my life. Sabrina was onto something.
“Water my creations, baby it’s amazing.”
I haven’t had much to focus on this semester except for school and my internship. At first, it felt really empty because I was so accustomed to having options. I used to spend every free night dancing with my friends and going out for food. This semester, I’m in bed by nine, with a third Netflix show queued up.
However, instead of feeling hungover from the very legal juice I was drinking, I have had so much more energy during the day. I wake up earlier to get ahead in my classes and volunteer for new projects at work. To my unwarranted surprise, this directly reflected my grades and my relationships at work, where my boss respects me, and my coworkers appreciate the dependable help. Also, I’ve never written as much as I have this semester, nor received so many positive reviews.
“Thinking about where I’ve gone, where I’m going.”
Professional success was never a priority to me until it had to be. It brought more joy and self-fulfillment than most of the things I thought would bring me happiness. Don’t get me wrong, making time for fun stuff like dancing also made me happy, but this kind of work feels monumental for my future.
It took a pandemic, followed by an imposed quarantine, to find confidence in being lost, and to see more confidence in myself and my abilities.
And, I found out I love the person I’m learning to become.