TW: coercion, sexual abuse, sexual assault
Consent: the thing you need to give or receive before engaging in sexual activity. It’s a clear and enthusiastic message that both you and your partner exchange to indicate that you both want to continue. Coercion: pressuring, forcing or manipulating someone in a nonphysical way into giving an unclear and unenthusiastic response that they want to continue with sexual activity. Coercion is not consent. Coercing someone into sexual activity is sexual assault.
I know, I’ve been there. Many of you probably have been too. Someone wants to engage in sexual activity with you. You don’t want to engage in sexual activity with them. You are unsure about going further. You don’t want to compromise your sexual health. You don’t want to overwhelm yourself emotionally. You don’t want to go against your beliefs. For whatever reason — and any reason to say no is a valid one — you want to say no. But they keep pressuring you to say yes. They will say and do anything they can to get you to change your mind so they can get what they want. Oftentimes, the person coercing you is someone you know, whether it’s a partner, spouse, boss, co-worker, friend, classmate, doctor, etc., according to the Office on Women’s Health.
Keep the following three ideas in mind in order to evaluate if you are or have been a victim of coercion.
- Coercion can look like but is not limited to
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Being worn down by someone who won’t stop asking for sex.
Being promised rewards for sex.
Being tricked into having sex through someone telling you lies that they know you would want to hear (e.g., someone telling you they have no STDs when they actually do).
Threatening to spread rumors, ruin your life, harm you, harm your family and friends, cut you off financially, or fire you from your job if you will not participate in sexual activity.
An authority figure (e.g., a boss, professor or hiring manager) using their position to pressure you into having sex.
Giving you alcohol or drugs to make it easier to manipulate you into sex.
- Coercion can sound like but is not limited to
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“You’re going to give me blue balls.”
“How can you turn me on and not follow through?”
“If you really loved me, you would do it.”
Repeatedly begging for sexual activity.
“But you promised you would.”
“If you won’t someone else will.”
“You won’t like the things I can do to make your life miserable if you don’t.”
“Just remember who controls your job.”
“Do you want the promotion or not?”
Threatening to end your relationship or holding your relationship over your head.
“I don’t want to be with someone who won’t do ____.”
“But you’re my wife.”
“You’re hurting my feelings.’
“Don’t be a prude.”
“I’m going to tell everyone we did it anyway.”
“You don’t want everyone to think or want me to tell everyone you’re gay, do you?”
- Coercion can make you feel — both during & after
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Like you have to say yes or give in to advances you do not want to give in to.
Like you have to fake an enthusiastic yes.
Overwhelmed.
Violated.
Disrespected.
Angry.
Hurt.
Confused.
Traumatized.
Like you are shaking or anxious.
Stressed.
Afraid.
Like you did consent.
Like it is your fault for saying yes.
Depressed.
All of these feelings are valid. What happened to you was sexual assault. It happened because someone else was selfish enough not to listen to you. It happened because someone else was selfish enough to force or manipulate the consent they wanted to hear out of you.
What happened to you because of coercion isn’t your fault. What happened to you doesn’t mean you’re weak. What happened to you doesn’t mean you wanted it. What happened to you doesn’t define you. It defines that person selfish enough not to wait for clear consent.
Keep in mind that if you have done, said or made anyone feel this way, you’ve participated in coercing someone into a sexual act. If they went through with what you wanted to do, you participated in sexual activity without their consent. You sexually assaulted that person.
Being manipulated, forced or pressured into saying “yes” isn’t the same as saying “yes!” It’s coercion. Manipulating someone into a sexual act isn’t gaining their consent. It’s coercion.
If you feel someone is continuously pressuring you into sexual activity you do not feel comfortable with, the best way to protect yourself is to remove yourself from the situation as fast as possible and — though this can be difficult and sometimes scary, especially if the person pressuring you is in a position of power over you — alert someone with authority. Alerting someone about the situation will help stop the situation from happening again. If you feel comfortable enough, you can also tell the coercer that their advances are inappropriate. But know that you don’t owe them any explanation. And remember, you are not alone.
The most important thing to keep in mind is the more we educate ourselves on topics of consent, sexual awareness and sexual health, the better we can understand the choices we’re making when it comes to sexual activity.
Sources used:
Sexual Coercion, Office on Women’s Health
“What is sexual coercion” from Love is Respect.
If you’re a victim of sexual assault and need support, you can contact the National Sexual Assault Hotline at 1-800-656-4673 to talk with a phone counselor. You can also look into the local resources and hotlines that your community provides.