Iâve noticed that a lot of women struggle to differentiate between platonic and romantic feelings towards men. Before my boyfriend and I started dating, I saw him as just a friend, and I often wonderâwhen did that change? I avoided seeing him in a romantic way until I couldnât deny it anymore. When he told me he liked me and I rejected him, he admitted he couldnât just be my friend and continue doing all the things we did together because it would be too painful for him. I said fine, but later, as I was telling my roommate, I started crying. Oh noâwhen had these romantic feelings developed?
My friend told me that for the two years-ish her ex-boyfriend were together, she avoided having sex with him because she wasnât attracted to him. Regardless, she still thought he was the best guy she had ever dated. There are so many stories like this. Recently, I was at a girlfriendâs birthday party, and her guy friend said to me, âGuys and girls can never be just friendsâ. Confused, I replied, âI thought you were the birthday girlâs friend?â I knew there was nothing going on between them. He replied, âNah, weâre coolâ. It sounded so slimy. Such a typical frat boy response, but so thought-provoking.
Conversely, I remember in seventh grade walking with one of my guy friends (who was bisexual but basically gay) when he suddenly confessed his feelings for me. He told me he thought he liked me, and although I knew we deeply cared for each other, I understood it was friendship. I said, “You donât like me. Youâre just confusing the love you have for me as romantic, but you donât actually like me.” He nodded and simply said, “Okay.” And we never spoke about it again.
So, all in all, both men and women have trouble deciphering what is romantic and what is platonic, but in different ways. While emotional closeness is often the common factor, the way men and women interpret and act on these emotions varies due to personal experiences, social conditioning and even biological influences.
Why Do We Struggle to Define Our Feelings?
One of the main reasons people struggle to separate platonic and romantic feelings is that loveâof any kindâexists on a spectrum. We are drawn to people who make us feel seen, valued and connected. But sometimes, that connection doesnât fall into a neatly labeled category.
Women often experience a deep emotional closeness in friendships, which can sometimes feel indistinguishable from romantic love. This is why a woman might only realize she has romantic feelings when faced with losing a friendship, as I did. We create such strong bonds that the absence of someone makes us question what we really felt all along.
Men, on the other hand, often navigate friendships differently. Many men are raised to associate deep emotional investment with romance or sexual attraction, making it harder for them to separate the two. This can explain why some men, like the guy at my friendâs birthday party, believe men and women can never be âjust friends.â Itâs not necessarily because they donât value friendship but because theyâve been conditioned to see emotional intimacy as something exclusive to romantic relationships.
Romantic vs. Platonic: Key Differences
So, what separates a platonic friendship from a romantic one? The answer isnât always straightforward, but some key differences can help define the two:
- Physical Attraction: While not always present at the beginning of a romantic relationship, physical attraction is usually a major component. If the thought of being physically intimate with someone feels uncomfortable or forced, the relationship is likely more platonic.
- Emotional Priority: In romantic relationships, we tend to prioritize that personâs emotional well-being above others. While friendships are also built on support, romantic relationships often come with an expectation of exclusivity in emotional connection and time investment.
- Jealousy and Possessiveness: Romantic relationships often involve a level of exclusivity that friendships do not. If jealousy arises when your friend dates someone else or spends time with others, it might indicate underlying romantic feelings.
- Future Vision: When you imagine your future, is this person someone you see as a life partner, or are they someone you always picture alongside your romantic partner? The way we mentally position people in our lives can be a strong indicator of how we truly feel about them.
Do the Lines Ever Become Clearer?
As we grow older, some people become more confident in distinguishing between their platonic and romantic feelings, while others continue to wrestle with uncertainty. Maybe this is why so many relationships start as friendshipsâwhen weâre emotionally close to someone, itâs natural to wonder if thereâs something more. However, understanding the difference between the two isnât just about self-awareness; itâs about honesty. Being able to reflect on our own emotions without external pressureâwhether from societal norms, expectations or past experiencesâallows us to navigate relationships more authentically. At the end of the day, love is fluid, and the ways we express it donât always fit into clearly defined categories. Rather than forcing rigid definitions, perhaps the key is learning to recognize what kind of love we wantâand being honest with ourselves about what feels right.