For what we lack in real-world skills and answers to questions about how we’ll buy food and shelter in two years, English majors make up for it with charisma. Charisma might not be the right word for it, but it’s whatever kind of charm and egoism people get from being freed from mandatory chemistry classes and forcing family and peers to listen to the short story they’ve written about the sad thing that happened to them. As for real-world skills, what better skill to have than being able to craft a thesis statement at a moment’s notice? Is putting in your order at Chipotle not the thesis statement of your meal? Is telling your mother that you plan on “really discovering yourself this summer” not the thesis statement as to why you don’t have an internship lined up? English majors are a great and varied people. Below is a field guide to the types of English majors you’ll encounter and how they work.
1. The Accomplished NovelistThis English major will at first appear shy and unassuming, only to announce that he or she has been sitting on four novels since high school. Then they’ll begin questioning the teacher as to what types of post-modernism the class will be covering. The quality and actual existence of these novels are only hypothetical, but the Accomplished Novelist’s confidence will still make you question why you struggle to finish a five-page essay.
2. The Double MajorYou’ll recognize this English major by the look of anxiety and confusion on her face. With half-done homework from discrete mathematics sticking out of her notebook, the Double Major will be the last to rush into class, sweaty from running across campus from the physics building. Plus, she’ll be the first to leave, off to live the rest of her life studying in the library.
3. The Future LawyerThis English major has followed the pre-law wisdom that says a degree in English will groom you for the analytics and reasoning of law school, and maybe he’s right. The Future Lawyer will be more pulled together than the rest of his classmates and will take his dramatic reading of Shakespeare assignment very seriously.
4. The PoetThe Poet will reveal herself to be a poet 20 minutes into your first class. Seemingly more transcended from the real world than the other English majors, the poet will breeze into class with her leatherbound notebook full of ideas and talk about the limiting nature of prose. She also won’t know what she’s doing after graduation but doesn’t seem struck with the same anxiety as everyone else.
5. The Random Frat DudeThe wild card. There he’ll be, in his Bass Pro T-shirt and Sperrys, sitting in the middle of your creative writing workshop, ready to talk about things like “yearning” and “sentimentality.” In all likelihood his name will be Kyle. If not, Brent. You’ll wait all semester for his story, hoping for insights into frat life, but all you’ll get is a glimpse at his sensitive, sensitive soul.
Just because we’re taking classes that involve writing about imaginary people and places and watching movies for a grade doesn’t mean English majors aren’t stressed. Our exam-less classes still require nine-page papers, and sometimes our professors don’t give us every Friday off. If you see one of these English majors in the wild, please be kind to him or her.
Photo source: www.cambridgeblog.org