What do you do when it feels like the door you were standing right in front of, has just been slammed shut? To me, that is what it feels like having someone break up with you. Well – that and a thousand other unnameable feelings coursing through my veins from that moment forward. Especially when you weren’t expecting it. That’s not to say I’m sitting at home twiddling my thumbs, anticipating my next breakup.
A breakup just slaps different when you didn’t even suspect it to be anywhere near!
For example, the last breakup I went through: This girl and I met up for an “early morning mission.” This was a tradition the two of us had gotten into over the previous five or so months. We were going to meet up for breakfast and then head to the park across the road for a stroll. Breakfast went smoothly, as did the stroll in the park. Until that dreaded moment, right as we were about to leave, when she said those five little words: “I think we should chat.”
My heart started pumping blood a little faster. My brain started to sift through all the events that took place that morning. Where had I gone wrong? What had I said? And then I remembered something – I was not dating this girl. Sure, we had been going on cute outings and hooking up for almost half a year, but the two of us had never decided to take our relationship to the next level. Not only was I not expecting the breakup, because the date was going well, but also because I simply was not in the position to be broken up with in the first place. And yet, the entire ordeal still felt the same as a breakup. I still felt the pain, loss and anger of any “normal” breakup, but without feeling like I deserved it.
Whether or not you’re expecting to be broken up with, the emotions and anguish which accompany a breakup can be a LOT to deal with (to say the least). Here are three ways I’ve found to help deal with the difficulties of unexpected loss:
- You don’t have to stay friends with them
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Saying “let’s still be friends” seems like a great idea at first. You appear cool, calm and collected. You don’t even care (that much) that they broke things off with you. Until you realise that, “being friends” with them can mean a lot of emotional upkeep for you. Seeing your ex (or almost-ex, in my case) getting on with their lives can be infuriating, especially if you don’t feel as though you’re handling the breakup as well as they are. Just remember, it’s very unlikely this previous partner of yours is showing you how they’re truly coping with things.
- Apathy is allowed
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Just because the media makes it seem like the only two ways to get over a breakup are:
1. Lying in your bed with a bottle of wine and a tub of ice cream, while crying and watching rom-coms by yourself, OR
2. Going out with a bunch of friends and getting absolutely annihilated, all the while looking for a rebound
This does not mean that these are the only ways to respond to what you’re going through. Most of the time, the main response people have to a breakup is one of apathy. Just because your friends expect you to be crying in agony over you ex (or almost-ex) does not make it the most beneficial way for you to deal with the situation. Trust yourself. Let your body feel what it feels, even if that is a lack of feels.
- Write a ‘strongly-worded’ letter to the manager
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Yes, the ‘strongly-worded’ letter is hate mail. And yes, the manager is your ex. I highly recommend writing down all the thoughts and feelings you have towards that person. Write with the same passion and intensity as if you were shouting the words at them from your window, as they slowly walk down a dark path – out of your movie/life forever. Now, I wouldn’t recommend sending your letter to said person (unless you enjoy picking open old scabs, which many people do). But, having an emotional word vomit onto a page is sometimes one of the most liberating things you can do. Especially if the breakup was unexpected and you were unable to tell that person everything you wanted to.
When it really comes down to it, you can read as many breakup articles as you like; none of them are going to change the way you feel towards that person. What I have found, though, is that the more you look, the more you find new ways to cope with what you’re experiencing. Putting on a face mask and painting your nails “with the girls” isn’t going to fix your broken heart. But, it sure as hell is going to feel a whole lot better than sitting in your room alone, trying to deal with the big, messy cloud of emotions going on inside your brain.