Types Don’t Matter

We often think about types when it comes to defining romantic love. But when I think about pieces of art that portray it most finely, there is one that comes to mind immediately: John Keats’ poem “Bright Star.” 

“Bright Star” is about the famous English poet John Keats’ lover, Fanny Brawne. After Keats contracted tuberculosis, he had to leave Brawne in England because the weather was too damp for his worsening condition. As he went to Italy, he knew that he would not get to see her again. And so during his travels, he wrote “Bright Star.” 

In the poem, the narrator imagines what it would be like if he were the bright star shining in the sky above him, describing how it watches so steadfastly over everything that happens in the world. And yet, as the poem reveals at the volta, the narrator professes that he would truly rather be sleeping on his lover’s chest, listening to her breath “fall and swell.” 

What stands out about this piece is the dear and careful attention that the narrator pays to his lover. “Bright Star” is about a deep desire to be with a loved one. I think what makes it stand out is that it is not a poem about wanting the world, or success, or greatness. The deepest expressed desire is that of a person in their simplest form of being alive.  

And when considering this kind of love, it’s hard not to consider how it translates into today’s romantic culture.

What’s Your Type?

When seeking out romantic partners today, much of the experience is based on expectation and anticipation. It’s quite common now to ask people what their type is. What qualities do they want in a future partner? What kinds of people are they usually attracted to? Hair color, eye color, height, body type, major, job, hometown, et cetera. It’s definitely a fun conversation topic, but it’s worth considering how much these questions should play into our actual romantic lives. 

In “Bright Star,” the narrator’s love also contains a hint of sacrifice. The narrator imagines being able to see the entire world, so surely he isn’t lacking the experience of beauty. And all of this is nothing compared to the simple experience of lying on his lover’s breast and hearing her breathe. Given a world where he could be anything and see anything, he would go back to where he was just to be with his lover. 

But ultimately, we love people, not qualities. One of my favorite articles on love is one by Henrik Karlsson named “Looking for Alice.” Surprisingly, the article isn’t about dating, but it is about how Karlsson met the love of his life, Johanna. He explains how it was never about the type of person Johanna was but about how her personality resonated with him. 

One day, you will not love somebody because they have the same look to them as a lot of the people you tend to find attractive do. You won’t love your partner’s height, hair, or fashion sense. Instead you’ll admire these things simply because they are all a part of the person you love.

SETTING EXPECTATIONS

I want to be clear that this is not an argument that we should settle for less when it comes to dating. We still should have high standards and a great level of respect. My perspective is that we should not set expectations for what somebody should be like, but how they interact with us.

With this perspective, it’s not really a matter of types. Do they listen? Can you have fun together? These aren’t questions of personal taste but of boundaries and standards. Dating becomes less about commodifying real people and more about whether or not you’re genuinely compatible. It also provides room for personal growth: as long as we aren’t looking for the exact ideal person we have in mind, we give ourselves space to be consistently challenged by new people.

FINDING THE PERFECT PERSON

Unfortunately, no matter who you end up with, this person will not and cannot be perfect for the person you are. Rather than indicating incompatibility, it indicates that you both are ever-changing people. In every interaction, you will be growing toward and apart from one another. 

We can spend our entire lives imagining who our future partner will be, listing out in our heads every single quality that we would like them to have. Tall, charming, elegant… whatever you may have in mind! It’s so easy for us to define our type because we feel like we know ourselves. 

And yet when I consider the friends I have today, I consider how unlikely these relationships really are. Some of my best friends today are people I never would have thought I’d meet, much less befriend. Because at the end of the day, we are just bodies and minds intersecting, departing, and coming back to one another at odd hours and seasons. 

We don’t have the power to predict the future; we just have the power to do what we can with the life we have. I would argue that if we approach romantic relationships with this in mind, it really puts into perspective just how futile it is to “manifest” our future partner. 

There are no perfect people. But there are people who can work well with us. I think that when we let go of all the things people should be, and simply appreciate the experience of learning who they are, we tend to find ourselves even deeper in love. 

• dating
• love
• poem
• relationships
• types