As the end of my freshman year approaches, I am feeling bittersweet about going home for the summer. Growing up, I counted down the days until summer break. Summer meant sleeping in, going to camp, spending time with my friends, and not dealing with the stress of school. Now, as I prepare to pack up my freshman dorm in UCSB’s San Rafael Hall, I find myself feeling sad to be going home. In the previous quarters, I felt homesick and couldn’t wait to be home for the summer. But as the year closes and I feel time moving faster than ever before, this new life I have made for myself has changed the way I used to feel about summer.
While I am excited to reunite with my hometown friends and spend quality time with my family, I am also sad to leave. Over the past year, I have made a second home for myself at college. I have built new routines for myself, made some amazing memories and friends, and gained a newfound sense of independence. It’s daunting to think about how quickly time is moving, but I know that temporality is what makes experiences so special. Returning home for the summer has made me realize that I am no longer the same person I was when I entered college. While I have changed since I started school, my hometown has not.
CHANGING FROM COLLEGE
Looking back, I am definitely not the same person I was when I started college. Throughout my freshman year, I have developed a new sense of self-confidence and learned how to be independent. While I have always considered myself to be a very independent person, college has really challenged me to show up for myself.
Growing up in Alameda, California, an island west of Oakland, I lived in what many would call an “island bubble.” I attended school with many of the same classmates from elementary through high school, and remained close with the same group of friends since I was 13. College has obviously altered that. I have met people from so many different backgrounds with so many diverse experiences. I discovered new passions and formed so many friendships I otherwise would not have found.
As I anticipate going home, I expect the independence I have formed at school to follow me home. However, I know this transition won’t be so easy.
There is a tension between the teenage, high school version of myself and the young adult, college version. At college, I can make plans without asking for permission, am in charge of my own schedule, and act independently. At home, my parents naturally still see me as their dependent daughter, whom they have to take care of. It’s not their fault that they don’t automatically recognize this transition of self. So much of my self-growth has happened while I was at school, but they were not physically there to see that shift. Returning home will be an adjustment for all of us, but that is normal and natural.
FRIENDSHIP SHIFTS
Friendship is something that has evolved a lot for me in college.
For much of my life, friendships were built on routine and proximity. My closest friends and I would see each other every day, eat lunch together, and walk to classes. We knew everything about each other’s lives without even having to ask.
Now, my friends are scattered across the country and even the world. Staying connected can be difficult because it takes considerably more amount of effort than we previously needed. We scheduled weekly calls, updated the group chat daily, and made sure to keep one another updated in our lives.
Some friendships did well in the long distance, while others faded. While it is disappointing that some friendships did not stand the test of long distance, I realized that it is completely normal and natural for people to become distant. Not every friendship needs to lead to being the bridesmaid at my future wedding, but I can appreciate what these friendships have each taught me.
THE IN-BETWEEN
I know there will be a feeling of limbo when I come home this summer, like I am between both worlds.
I am no longer fully part of my hometown. I have not lived there in nine months, and it’s less familiar to me now. I’ll no longer have the college aspect of me while I am home, either. The friends I have spent the last year with are scattered.
Part of me is anxious to run into old faces and feel like I am reverting into a past version of myself. Another part of me will also desperately miss the relationships and routines I have built at college.
All of that being said, I am excited to be home. I have missed my family and hometown friends so much. Short breaks at home allowed us to catch up briefly, but it never felt like enough time to fully reconnect. The summer offers a substantial amount of time to catch up and make memories with my loved ones.
This awkward in-between feeling is not unique to me. It is shared by many college students returning home after being away. It marks the transition between adolescence and adulthood.
LEARNING TO APPRECIATE THE EVOLUTION
While I am anxious for this summer and learning how to navigate the fact that my hometown hasn’t changed with me, I can also appreciate how evolution is a part of human nature and relationships. Just because I have found new independence does not mean my relationships at home have to change for the worse. It just means that they have taken on new meanings.
Home is not something that has disappeared and been replaced by college. With the discomfort, I realize that I belong to both now, and they are both homes. The first summer at home from college feels award because it’s the first time you realize growing up is not leaving one life behind, but learning how to balance and appreciate both versions of yourself.