It’s almost surreal to think about our high school years; just think, that was a defining time of our lives… the last few years of childhood, of innocence. When we met, I didn’t think even for a minute that I would want to be with you forever. Hell, I was young and naive and had no idea what forever looked like!
Until I thought I did when I was looking into your eyes as the end of our senior year approached. We were headed separate ways: you staying home to go to community college and me leaving to UCSB. At that point I had total faith in our relationship; we had been dating for a while by then and we thought it would be worth it to stay together. It’d only be for two years until you can come transfer to UCSB with me, and then it’ll be you and me forever… or so we kept thinking to ourselves.
From there everything seemed to go downhill. Jealousy, insecurity, and clinginess came out of who knows where. I began feeling obligated to you instead of in love with you. You had problems with me hanging out with my friends or me going out to do something fun. You called me several times a day and made me distance myself from my friends and roommates because you would only want me talking to you. I felt like I was trapped in a bubble when I always had to worry about texting you. You began to worry that I had so much going on for me and my life since I moved to Santa Barbara while you were just at home feeling like your life was going nowhere. You began to question if I was cheating on you, or if you were even good enough for me anymore. No matter what I did or said, you never felt better about our situation. What we had back in high school no longer seemed like it existed.
So when you broke up with me for such a miniscule reason, for having some fun with my friends, I realized how unhealthy our relationship had become. And then I realized… it was unhealthy from the beginning. All the things you made me do that I didn’t want to, all the friends that you made me drop because you had bad feelings about them, all the things I couldn’t go to or participate in because you wanted to spend time together. Of course, I was fourteen years old when we started dating and had no idea what I was doing. I was too young and naive to be independent from anyone; so when we had been dating for four years already, I found it very difficult to let you go. I was already too dependent on you in my life. But being here in Santa Barbara – 300 miles from home and from you – made me more independent, it made me stronger and wiser. And most of all, it made me realize that I didn’t actually need you, I just wanted your company.
So I didn’t call and text you asking for forgiveness. I didn’t answer you when you called and texted me asking for me back. I was tired of being in an unhealthy relationship. I was tired of trying to please you when I couldn’t even please myself. I was tired of falling behind in my classes because I had to talk to you instead of studying. I was tired of being misunderstood. So I dropped the subject, and I dropped you.
I don’t think it’s anyone’s fault, really. I think both of us just let it happen, unknowingly. I’m definitely not blaming you for any of it; if anything, the whole thing is just as much my fault as it was yours. But I think we’re adults and past the whole pointing fingers part, aren’t we?
Most importantly, I want to thank you. For the memories. You were my first real relationship and although it didn’t turn out the way we had planned, I’m glad that it was you. I am the woman that I am today because of you. I am strong and independent and content. I am not stuck in a hookup culture wishing that I had what I once had with you; I am happy being by myself for as long as I need because you made me realize that I need to take the time to make me happy before I make anyone else happy. Because of you I realize that waiting to do things with someone is a right that I have, that I shouldn’t be forced to do anything I don’t want or have to do. You reminded me that any relationship I’m in should be with someone that isn’t only a lover, but a best friend. You showed me that I may hurt, but that doesn’t mean I have to be suffering from it. I may still be young and somewhat naive and confused about love, but I am experienced and I am happy. So thank you, for everything.