Most of us don’t take the time to stop and think about what our values really are. It doesn’t seem necessary, and most people assume they could just list ten of them off the top of their head if they really tried (and maybe you can). Nevertheless, really truly knowing them, and knowing how to use them, might be more valuable than you even think.
Prior to this school year, I would say I felt fairly confident in regards to my own personal values. I strongly value my family, my relationship and friendships, and my personal hobbies and interests. This is fairly basic, and I can guarantee that everyone reading this would have said something similar.
This past December, while struggling up the hill around UCSB’s lagoon, an episode of my favorite podcast You’re Wrong About ended a little too soon. It was finals week, and my much needed daily walk had begun to be accompanied by some sort of uplifting or inspirational podcast.
I usually went for You’re Wrong About when faced with a stressful couple of days, because its episodes cover misunderstood public figures, situations, or pop culture events. A good handful of these are survival stories. There’s something comforting about listening to an awful story about someone struggling through something you likely couldn’t conjure up in a nightmare, but in the end, defying all odds.
What comes to mind immediately is the episode covering Flight 571 that crashed in the Andes Mountains, or the Bluebelle, a murder-shipwreck situation that left only an eleven year old girl as the sole survivor. Both of these episodes are gut wrenching, but in the end, tinged with hope. Not to mention, the storytelling and voice of host Sarah Marshall, and her accompanying friend, Blair Braverman, could even calm down someone trying to diffuse a bomb.
Anyways, right before I had reached the worst point in the walk, my episode of You’re Wrong About ended. Not feeling into the idea of being alone with my own thoughts, I put my fate in Spotify’s hands, and let it play whatever was going to come next. While usually this doesn’t go well, and I tend to take matters into my own hands by re-listening to something old, or spending far too long searching for something new, this time, it did work out.
What queued up next was a title called The Danger of a B+ Life, from a podcast called Becoming You. For the record, I do not like “self-help,” much at all. I like inspiration, such as covered by Sarah Marshall in You’re Wrong About, but have always remained disinterested in the specific concept of “self-improvement.”
I don’t mean to knock it for everyone. If a self-help book works for you, then all power to you. I think I had just always rejected the idea that one needs a book or a structure like that in order to improve their life. I had always wanted to make my life better on my own, and felt adamant that I could do this via my own brain power. Of course this could be true, but even as someone who dislikes “self-help,” I had to succumb to the intrigue brought about by Suzy Welch’s Becoming You.
Welch is a current professor at NYU Stern School of Business, and when she isn’t teaching classes, she is hosting Becoming You. The episode The Danger of B+ Life covered the concept of settling for the “pretty good,” as opposed to your “best.” Welch’s classic framework, The Values Bridge, made an appearance in the episode as well.
As I later learned, The Values Bridge and its accompanying test not only identifies your top values, but also helps you to realize your “authenticity gap” (or in other words, the gap between to what degree you are currently living out your top values, and to what degree you would be authentically living them out).
After returning home from my walk, I went online to The Values Bridge website, now curious to know if I was experiencing an authenticity gap or not. I found my top four values to be Family Centrism, Beholderism, Voice, and Eudemonia.
Family Centrism was expected. According to the test, it means your decisions may be strongly guided by your family, and that you will filter big choices through how they will affect your family. Beholderism has to do with caring about image and reputation, and in general, how things are and look in your life. Voice was about self-expression and being heard, and lastly, Eudemonia was about long-term fulfillment, and living a meaningful life.
I was surprised, and not so surprised, about my results. Before, I knew I valued my family, and that I can often be obsessive about aesthetics. I also already knew I feel upset when I can’t use my voice (it’s hard for me to end a fight unless I think I’ve gotten my point across), and also that I care deeply about being truly happy, as opposed to short term fulfillment.
However, I felt slight shame around the fact that the test told me I do have some degree of an authenticity gap. This shame doesn’t come from being upset over my “shortcomings,” but rather the feeling I get from acknowledging something I know to be true, but tend to suppress. I am not blind to the fact that there are things in my life that I wish were better, or different, but it most certainly stings just a bit to hear this, no matter if I knew it or not.
After sitting with this discomfort for a minute, I reread my top values. Even though I was just told I may not be actively living them out to my fullest potential (which, let’s be honest, would be pretty hard for anyone to do), I decided it might be more useful for me to think about them more as goals, or as accountability checks.
Knowing your values can help align yourself with how you want to live your life, and as I saw mine laid out plainly in front of me, I realized they can help chart me to where I want to be. In the next couple days, I started trying to apply this thought process in random moments.
While making an effort to stay in check with my values, I found myself feeling more in control of myself and my life. I think in college, it is scarily easy to feel out of control. Everything is changing, and although I technically have the autonomy of an adult, I definitely don’t feel like one. Unfortunately, when things happen that I don’t have the life experience to deal with the way I want to, I spiral. This may not be quite true for everyone, but in my case, when I don’t feel in control, sh*t hits the fan, if I may be so blunt.
As a chronic worrier, spiraler, and sensitive person, knowing my values can help reign in the effects that big emotions can have on me. Even when things are out of my control, holding on to my values helps me to rechart myself back onto the right path. This is also a comforting strategy when it comes to making decisions.
Instead of beating myself up when I do something I regret, and telling myself “this was so unlike you,” when I make a bad decision, I can use my values to learn from the mistake. It’s not that I won’t make a bad decision again, but identifying the decision as something that doesn’t align with who you are, and with your values, can strip the decision of its power.
If you feel like an embarrassing or awful thing you did doesn’t represent you or your values, separating yourself from that moment and focusing on what you do stand for, will not only relieve you of the pain of tying that decision to your entire character, but also remind you of the kind of choices you do want to make.
It’s important to remember that values aren’t fixed. Instead, you should treat them as an ongoing project. Trying to make them concrete won’t help you in the long run, because as a person, and likely a young one, you will inevitably change. Therefore, if you do follow this plan, and feel out of line with your values (as you continue to grow and change), you may feel out of control once again.
It is therefore equally as important to acknowledge your changing state, as it is your values. Just as you shouldn’t force yourself to dress the particular way you used to like a few years ago, and now hate, you should not force yourself to live by values you have “outgrown.” Simply use your current values to chart your current situation, and trust yourself in your decision making.