To put it simply, my college experience wasn’t the normal one.
Imagine this: It’s your senior year of high school, and you’re nervous. The college application portals are staring at you with hungry eyes, waiting for you to submit your grades and personal essays as if there’s a ticking time bomb.
… Except, I wasn’t. Well, not exactly.
The Year Before My First Year
I vividly remember typing my essays with such a profound motivation and applying to colleges left and right, yet I recall not feeling as nervous as my peers, who feared they wouldn’t get into the college they desired. Perhaps it was because I had no dream school, no particular aspiration or idea of where I was going, and why. So, I applied, and applied, and applied. The first half of senior year passed by like a blur, and suddenly, I’m left looking at my options.
UCSB was high on the list. A top-notch university in California, it was (and still is) well known for its infamous social scene and beautiful beaches. I was intrigued by the idea of a college town being right next door and the collective community that surrounds it. However, it was not my number one. I had ideas of pursuing fashion, attending a school in New York, looming in my mind. Even if I had to stay in California, I had another university in mind that competed with UCSB in my ranking.
At the time, that other university had won.
I had fully sent it, confirmed the acceptance, and that was that. UCSB wasn’t really on my mind anymore, and I was content, happy to be done with the college-picking stress.
Then, May rolled around. I found out unexpectedly that I could not afford to go to the college of my choice. Complications ensued, and I ended up having to pick UCSB for my next four years. I was devastated. That month, I had the stress of my last months of high school, graduation, and finals. I thought that, before accepting UCSB, I wouldn’t be going to college, and I feared disappointing my peers and family.
Summer blues
Time passes. I graduate high school. It’s summer. The heartbreak of the past lingers, and I struggle to feel truly comfortable with how my future turned out.
I felt like I had failed. It was odd–I knew well enough that UCSB was a great school and that I would be getting the college experience I wanted. If I had to guess, I would say I grew a sense of attachment to the previous college I was planning to attend. I was starting on the wrong track, life having its way with me, forcing me to accept something I didn’t desire.
I tried brushing it off. I tried to enjoy summer to its fullest with my family and friends, and relax at home with the time I had. I knew I had to, because it wasn’t long till I would be moving hours away from my hometown, and I didn’t have a choice.
the big change
As a first-year student, one of the things I was required to do before attending UCSB was to go to freshman orientation to register for classes and explore the campus. At the time, I had already visited UCSB during my spring break, so I didn’t expect much. I only knew one other girl from my high school, and she was attending the same orientation I was. I also feared that I wouldn’t make many friends during the orientation or that I would hold the same disdain for the campus. So, I kept my expectations low. Get through the next two days and then go home.
I wasn’t completely wrong. I met many different people during those couple of days. They were all friendly and polite to me, which I appreciate, but it still felt off. Whether it be the times I sat learning about my graduation requirements, registering for classes, or simply walking around campus, I still didn’t feel satisfied with my time there.
My mom and I stayed an additional day at UCSB before going home. We decided to stop by the beach, it being the second time going, and then drive back. I stood along the sand, staring out to the deep blue waves and watching how the warm sun glistened against the water. It was quiet, albeit uninteresting, since I didn’t move an inch, just standing from afar.
Yet, suddenly, it clicked.
I felt this deep sense of gratification wash over me. Like I belonged. Deserved to attend UCSB. All of the doubt and fear and anxiety that I had just experienced the day prior felt lighter. I remember telling my mom that something felt different and that I felt oddly happier.
When I went home that night and wrote my daily diary entry. I began noticing things as I was generating my thoughts. I came to a realization: I wasn’t upset about going to UCSB; I was upset that I lost control. Having to choose UCSB last minute made me feel like a failure, and I subconsciously knew that I wasn’t given a choice. So, when faced with the experience of attending college and exploring the campus, I didn’t give it a fair chance. It was when I took a step back and gave myself some silence—it just so happened to be on the very beach our campus stands on—that I was able to truly reflect.
so… how was the first quarter actually like?
Personally, I’ve never been happier.
There was this newfound sensation buzzing against my skin when I allowed myself to get excited about attending UCSB. When I first arrived and moved in, it felt like I was at home when I began putting things in place, unpacking myself into the empty dorm room. I had made a friend on Instagram over the summer and met them that night, us immediately clicking and them still being one of my closest friends today.
I pushed myself to do everything. I went to the club fair to find organizations and found clubs that catered to my interests. I didn’t hesitate to talk to the people in my classes and attempt to find new friends. Going out on weekends, late-night talks with my roommate, even hibernating in the library for hours till I felt my legs go numb. I did everything I could just to give it a chance.
Life will always throw obstacles at you. It’s obvious that things don’t always go your way—for me, it was detrimental to my mindset about college and made it hard for me to get excited. Yet, I survived. I don’t have any regrets about attending UCSB, and I never felt nervous about going around and doing as much as I can during my first quarter here.
If you’re a current high school senior or even a UCSB student on campus this year who feels unsure or scared about their college experience, know that it’s normal to feel uncomfortable many times throughout your life. What matters is how you make the most of what you do have and enjoy it to the fullest. Even now, I find myself coming back to the exact spot on the beach I stood last time, just to remind myself how grateful I am to be studying here, and how, with time, everything will work out in the end.