I’m not particularly introverted, nor do I claim a rather low social battery, but somehow, I’ve become a cocoon of myself. I no longer go out (although I never truly did), I never make plans (in fact I cancel them quite often), and I can’t remember the last time I left my house for anything other than a class or club meeting. I was never a person who second-guessed a “yes”.
I never flaked, I never took a rain check, I never even dreamed of missing out. And yet, somehow, someway, I am a new person. I am the girl that is comfortable with quiet evenings. I look forward to nestling in the warmth of my cozy blanket, dressed in pajamas, eating a creamy bowl of my favorite pasta.
I can’t imagine how or why this is the new me, but I’ve analyzed my habits and realized that I’m merely a product of my own growth.
The Girl Who Always Said Yes
When I was younger, all I wanted to do was hang out with my friends. As an only child, it was the only way I could escape the quietness of my home. I never liked being alone, nor did I allow it for a mere moment. Nights were usually spent at family friend gatherings or with my best friend (and fortunately my neighbor).
Any time a plan was made among friends, family, even classmates who I never spoke to, I would ensure my attendance (or at least ask if I was invited). Deep down, the fear of missing out would linger until I was there, at the event, having the time of my life.
When Friendships Shift
Eventually, as I got older, friends and friend groups began to shift. The suddenness of these events only amplified my attempts at desperately maintaining the connections I had left. I allowed those losses to personify doubt, painting my growth as a decline in my character. When in reality, I was just turning the page, outgrowing people and making room for new people to love.
But, I didn’t take it that way. Not even a little bit, not even at all. Every time a friendship faded, I blamed it on my lack of lunch table topics, not being knowledgeable of what had happened in the class I wasn’t in or the party I hadn’t attended.
For years I allowed this fear to translate into my daily routine, slowly blooming into my new “yes friend” persona. It destroyed my self-image and reflected the lack of confidence I carried, as I began to neglect needs in order to fulfill prior plans. I would take less time to care for myself, and instead filled quiet hours with constant connection.
STarting over on the california coast
Eventually, I had to face one of the most life-altering circumstances; moving to California.
I never truly understood the repercussions of creating a new life in a state so far from home. I never processed the idea of starting anew, having to create a new routine, finding new faces, and growing in ways in which I hadn’t imagined. I became so isolated that I no longer craved unwanted noise in my schedule.
Living on my own taught me to plan ahead and organize my time wisely, especially if I wanted to finish my college credit in time to transfer to UCSB.
I learned to be intentional, and as a result, was balancing school, work, and an internship all while taking care of myself for the first time. And don’t get me wrong, I didn’t want to give up my social life. In fact, I tried my hardest to find friends and mirror the lifestyle I had once before.
The difference, however, was that in a new home, it was unsustainable and I had to put myself first; not out of self-love, but necessity. Soon, I succumbed to the inevitable. I began to enjoy the quiet hours after working a long shift. I looked forward to the stillness, sitting in my room after a long night of filming dance classes. I longed for peace and therefore learned to love it.
Redefining the “ucsb experience”
After working hard and finally getting to transfer to my dream school, I quickly noticed that I stood out a little bit more than I expected. You would assume that the title UCSB has as the number one party school in the nation would encourage me to get out some more, right? Well, after settling in, I tried.
I joined various clubs and orgs, tried to befriend classmates, and I made an effort to be in the know for every event. It was now, more than ever, that I feared missing out. Yet every attempt only created more distance between the person I longed to be and who I had become.
I went to social gatherings, I made new friends, and I put myself out there more than ever before.
So what went wrong? Literally nothing. I just grew.
UCSB is amazing. It’s top-tier for socializing, finding forever friends, and creating memories that’ll last a lifetime. I’ve met the kindest, coolest, and smartest people here. I’ve only been a student for two quarters, and I’ve already compiled a list of stories I’ll be able to tell my friends back home.
NOT EVERY MOMENT IS MADE AT A PARTY
Although, as my winter quarter is wrapping up, I’ve realized, yet again, that I can still create a fulfilling college experience without sacrificing time spent on bettering myself.
I used to be so focused on getting the UCSB experience, that I missed the bigger picture. My experience is my own, as well as yours and everyone else’s. I genuinely don’t think you can miss out at this school, because there is something for everyone. And yes, while the social scene is abundant, for some it can be quite overwhelming, and that’s okay.
Sometimes, fulfillment doesn’t look like a crowded party.
Sometimes, it looks like peace.