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“Is having a boyfriend embarrassing now?” posed writer Chanté Joseph in a recent British Vogue opinion piece. This sensationalized headline has evolved into a polarizing topic of discourse on the Internet, with women sharing their views from both sides, either as an opportunity for defensive girlfriends to show off their lovers or for reasonably hopeless singles to express their relief as they feel stuck in the modern dating world.
Intrigued by what this article might mean, I took it upon myself to read it. As an 18-year-old girl who hasn’t been in a relationship before (truthfully because I’ve never actively sought one), this story was a captivating and nuanced read that I resonated with. It exposed me to a different perspective of modern romance, one with a promising shift in dating culture.
Yet, the backlash this article has been receiving is due to blind judgment of its purposely misleading title, and it’s evident that the larger part of the people reacting to it are missing its point because they haven’t given it a read. As a female student at a university where hookup culture is prevalent, I want to share my interpretation and takeaways from this article, and what I think it could mean for the future of dating culture in college and beyond.
TO POST OR NOT TO POST?
In an age where virtually anything and everything is posted online, romantic relationships have been no exception to being announced on social media. It was either a surprise “hard launch” for a deliberate shock factor, or the dragged-out “soft launch” process, with subtle clues like the back of a mysterious head or a romantic dinner for two. Either way, posting relationships online for everyone to see has been the norm these recent years. This is especially true for teenage girls and young women, who spend large amounts of effort presenting their relationships as admirable and coveted—more often than not, for external validation purposes rather than to meaningfully capture special moments with their partners.
Recently, however, there has been a marked change in the way that women have been portraying their relationships publicly. As opposed to making it an elaborate plan to debut a new boyfriend online, women have been shying away from posting their partners, opting for a more private and lowkey relationship over one that is chronically shown off. To put it simply, there is a clear decline in “performative” relationships, as more women are starting to realize the power that comes with independence and self-sufficiency.
This doesn’t necessarily mean choosing to remain single. In fact, partnered women across social media have embraced not including their significant others in their content, in fear of being perceived as male-centric or uninteresting. As the article points out, women are working to separate their identity from their romantic relationships—a refreshing sentiment for all women, single or not. This is reassuring to see as a female college student since I’m surrounded by a majority of male counterparts who are uninterested in commitment and emotional vulnerability.
“From my conversations, one thing is certain: the script is shifting. Being partnered doesn’t affirm your womanhood anymore; it is no longer considered an achievement, and, if anything, it’s become more of a flex to pronounce yourself single.”
Chanté Joseph, British Vogue
THE UCSB DATING SCENE
Although I haven’t dipped my toes in it yet, from what I can see from the outside and through friends’ experiences, the dating scene at UCSB is rough. Meaningless hookups, turbulent situationships, and Snapchat serial flirting have pervaded the norms of dating, making it uncommon to see a long-lasting relationship built upon mutual trust and commitment. That’s why this shift is exciting to hear as a UCSB student; because it encourages looking for a partner as merely a nice addition to your life, not as something to complete (if you even want a relationship).
BRINGING BACK ROMANCE
To answer the article’s question, no, I don’t think having a boyfriend is embarrassing. What I do find shame in is centering one’s life and identity around boys and the state of their love life. But that wasn’t the claim of the article; it was simply addressing the question of whether publicly sharing a significant other is now considered outdated.
It successfully pointed out that women are collectively moving away from performatively showing off their relationships and progressing towards living independently—with or without a man in their lives. This promotes a new approach to dating: seeking romantic connections with the purpose of authenticity and personal fulfillment in mind instead of superficial reasons like image and social praise. In turn, this productively decenters men in a way that uplifts women and benefits both the modern dating landscape and the feminism movement as a whole.
My ultimate takeaway from this story and the discourse surrounding it is that the death of hookup culture feels imminent. I’m an unashamed hopeless romantic, and a strong believer in leaving casual hookups and “situationships” (possibly my least favorite word of all time) in the past.
Now that we as women are beginning to flip the script on the role of men in our lives, I believe we have the potential to reshape dating culture and bring back real relationships where just the bare minimum won’t be accepted and women are recognized as the prize. We should embrace the quiet power that comes with keeping relationships private to not only show security within this relationship but also to display the confidence in oneself. True romance seen in the movies isn’t dead—it’s simply being redefined.
“Obviously, there’s no shame in falling in love. But there’s also no shame in trying and failing to find it—or not trying at all.”
Chanté Joseph, British Vogue