Attachment styles: they’re varying types of attitudes you display to others when forming connections and relationships. Formed by your earliest relationships: parents, caregivers, friends. Secure, anxious, avoidant, and disorganized are the main classifications of how we, as humans, become attached to others.
However, there’s one particular type of attachment style I want to focus on, the one I classify myself as:
Avoidant attachment.
what is avoidant attachment anyway?
I find avoidant attachment to be uniquely different from the others. Rather than desiring intimacy and attachment, we avoid it. We want independence. We’re dismissive. We figure things out on our own. Said to be more common in men than women and occurring in over 20% of Americans based on a survey by WebMD.
I don’t remember a period of my life when I wasn’t this way. It’s odd: you would think as the youngest child of three I would be opposite. Spoiled, maybe, but carefree, reckless, attention-seeking, dependent? In reality, being brought up with one parent most days and a push to figure things out on your own, learn for yourself, and work as hard as you can to succeed, it slowly makes sense.
It never originally seemed like an issue, though.
As a child, I was considered a gifted kid who could learn things efficiently. I was polite to my aunts and uncles. They praised me for my achievements.
“You’re so smart!”
“You’re going to have a bright future.”
I was meant to be ideal, with no help. I had to figure things out on my own. I was alone.
When I grew up and the bouts of dating and crushes came about, I became reckless. I became infatuated so deeply that I lost common sense. I would try to be desired and never meet expectations. It wouldn’t be reciprocated, and things would fall apart. I would try again, and again. This cycle would continue over and over until I decided that I am simply unable to be loved. So I stopped.
To get a look into my (alongside others’) brain as an avoidant attachment, you have to understand one thing:
Pushing people away feels so much easier than letting people in.
One evening I was rewatching “To All The Boys I Loved Before,” one of the most popular romance novel adaptations in recent years. In case you haven’t watched it and don’t want spoilers, skip to the next paragraph. So, when I was watching the scene where Lara Jean and Peter were sitting at the diner together post-party, Peter asks why she hasn’t had a boyfriend before. In this scene, Lara Jean explains that she loves reading and writing about love, but that experiencing it in real life is scary. She notes, “…The more people you let into your life, um, the more they can just, walk right out.”
I had to pause after watching that scene. Vividly, I remember tears streaming down my face as I thought about it. It was so raw, so oddly similar to myself, that it sent a wave of discomfort down my spine.
I fear that if I get attached to people, they will eventually leave me. I think about that day with my family every day. The fact that I’ve moved schools all my life and never had friends that truly stuck. Even now, in college, I feel the need to keep others at a distance to protect myself.
Everybody knows how painful heartbreak is. It’s undeniable, agonizing. I’ve unfortunately experienced that one too many times, so I avoid it.
So, I’m considered to have avoidant attachment.
so… how does that play out in college?
UCSB is notorious for a lot of things. The #1 party school is a decadent title that people love to throw around, yet what I think not a lot of people mention is how casual dating culture is here. Hookups, casual sex, making out at parties, or flirting with someone at the bar. All of it.
I have nothing against this. I think there’s a beauty in knowing that things can be temporary and worthwhile, or understanding that a long-term relationship doesn’t suit your needs. Yet, upon observing and experiencing this, I wonder if it’s a case of avoidant attachment.
In recent media, there’s been a rise in the “situationship,” the complicated middle stage between acquaintances/friends and dating, where there’s “no label,” no right way to word the status you and the other share. It could be that you don’t want the labels, or maybe it’s because the other isn’t “ready to be in a relationship yet.”
As a result, there’s a decline in lasting, fulfilling relationships. It’s made me rethink my views on the dating experience as a whole. As a result of being avoidant, I’ve preferred the casualness of flirting, the lack of attachment to a random hookup, and never seeing them again.
However, I also see its unhealthiness. I should be able to love fully without worrying about them leaving.
The reason avoidant attachment theory is so interesting to me is that, despite the outer surface seeming like we avoid love at all costs, we may desire it more than anyone else. That’s my theory: we’re just scared.
So, seeing so many people choose short-term, casual relationships can be oddly disheartening. It makes me think I have no chance of successfully meeting someone I can love and cherish. Instead, I’m almost forced to follow what everyone else does, and keep repeating the cycle.
the conclusions
Everyone is deserving of love.
No one should be excluded from this. We, as people, deserve someone we can trust who treats us the way we deserve to be treated and who loves us unconditionally. Being an avoidant attachment has resulted in fear, and I want that to change.
This isn’t to berate those who choose casual relationships, nor does it idolize those who are long-term, happy ones. It’s simply a reminder that we’re so complex, and that love can be complicated. I want to be able to let myself grow closer to people. I want to allow myself to be vulnerable and scared.
When you think about your relationships, please cherish them. Not everyone is avoidant attachment, yes. However, I think deep down, we’re all a little bit afraid that we’ll lose the ones we love.
So, love earnestly. It helps people like me love too.