Parent-child relationships are never simple. Most of the time we assume our parents know everything (at least I know I do). Have a problem with your car? Call your parents. Dyed all your clothes the same color in the washing machine? Call your parents. Wondering if your chicken nugget is going to give you salmonella? Call. Your. Parents.
They may sometimes seem like a never-ending fountain of wisdom. However, there will always come a time when they won’t know the answer. Shock! Horror! This is our parents’ first time around at this thing called life, too.
Why do we find it so easy to expect so much from our parents?
Becoming an adult made me realize that parents are just like us (just more experienced)! While I struggle to boil an egg and iron my sheets, my parents have always made living look so easy.
My father traveled a lot when I was a child and I always resented him for it. In my naive mind, he was doing it on purpose because he didn’t love me and because he didn’t care. Never once in those years did I think that maybe he was doing it to support me.
This realization came when I got dropped off at college. He wrote me a letter wishing me luck and explaining how proud he was of me and how he wished he could have been there more. In one single moment, that image of my father which I had had for so many years suddenly dissipated to reveal a man who navigating a new path and just doing his best to get it right.
Why had I always assumed that he must know what he was doing? I’m his first-born daughter—this is all new to him. Why is it that children put their parents on such a pedestal?
Last year I went through some of the biggest changes of my life. From starting college and moving abroad to turning 21, these events made me think more about the steps and experiences that got me here. Going back home this year, I felt my parents started treating me differently than they had before. Whether it was due to my newfound independence or reduced need to rely on them, I felt that they were able to be more vulnerable and authentic with me in a way they had not been before. This new relationship made me feel closer to them than ever.
Parents are really just older versions of ourselves. The only difference is they made the decision to start a family. I started to discuss these ideas with some of my friends and it turns out I wasn’t the only one who feels this way!
It seemed almost all of our parents had begun to have much more genuine interactions with us and were beginning to let their guards down. As adults, my friends were also beginning to also show more vulnerable sides of themselves. Such as being able to express that they didn’t feel they had received enough love as a child or that they felt they were under too much pressure and so on.
For me, I was able to see clearly for the first time where I had got it wrong with my own parents. I started thinking back to my teenage years and realized all the times I had been such a BRAT. Just because they were my parents did not mean that the way I treated them was anywhere close to fair. Although I was the teenager, they were human too, and being disrespected and invalidated does not come with the job description. When talking to my mother about this, she was honest and told me that at times it was really hard for her, but she knew that my hating her in the short run was worth the growth in the long run.
I wanted to ask my parents more questions from their perspective:
At what point do you think our relationship changed most, and in what way did it change?
Mother: Our relationship changed the most when you left home and went to UCSB. Being independent, you bring a completely different energy to the family—full of fun and excitement. We all share in your newfound enthusiasm and passion for life—it is infectious.
Father: As you grew from being a child to being a young woman, you were becoming stronger, and more confident, and more independent. [I] can’t put my finger on exactly when it happened, but there became a distance between us, probably because I was away so often. And as you matured we could speak as adults and discuss ideas and day-to-day events, and it just became clear you were not my little girl anymore and for that I am proud.
Do you feel as though you put your parents on a pedestal and if so when did this begin to change?
Mother: I put my parents on a pedestal when I was a young child—they offered me lots of love and support. As I grew older I found my own direction in life.
Father: Like most children, I suppose I did put my parents on a pedestal, but that was from admiration and love and the fact they cared for me. As I grew older I began to realize that they were human after all, and there was a time for me to stand on my own two feet.
Do you think it is hard to find the middle ground between being respected by your children and creating unattainable expectations?
Mother: I don’t think it is hard to find a middle ground—I hope to be respected by my children by setting examples, working hard, playing hard, and showing the way—but if I make a bad judgment, it shows we are all human. I would apologize and move on. We all learn from our mistakes and it’s unrealistic to think we won’t make mistakes with all the different elements we have to juggle.
Father: I think you can find respect from your children and still have high, if not unattainable, expectations. The hard part is giving them just enough encouragement without them feeling like a failure when they inevitably fall short sometimes as we all do.
9/10 people take parenting inspiration from their parents. What is your view on this, and do you feel you took inspiration from this?
Mother: I took inspiration from my parents in some ways. I certainly learnt a lot from them. Many of my parents’ traditions, values, and attitudes to life I carry with me.
Father: No, I would not have raised you the way I was raised. I was raised in a loving environment, but I feel that I pushed you harder than I was pushed because you had more opportunities than I had.
90% of moms and 85% of dads feel judged as a parent. Is there a moment that stands out to you when you felt judged for your parenting?
Mother: I don’t have a moment when I felt judged as a parent. I have always tried to make decisions based on our children and our situation and not compare to others as everyone has different approaches and different values
Father: Every day! In a real way, parents are judged on the success and well-being of their children. It’s not about status or high achievements. All we can ever wish for is a relatively happy, relatively well-balanced child with the right principles in place. The rest is just frosting on the cake.
It was fascinating to see even the different views between my parents on parenting and what it means to them.
Listening to these answers, it was apparent how so many of these events have made me the person that I am today. More independent yet also someone who values the power of family very highly.
I think that it is unfair to judge our parents and create unrealistic expectations of them. At the end of the day, they are just like us. They make mistakes, they get it wrong, they are not perfect. It is so much healthier for both parties to be forgiving of this and allow them to learn as you too are learning.