To All the Boys I've Crushed on Before

To my first grade crush:

To be honest, I don’t really remember you that much. I have vague memories of chasing each other during recess and being competitive about everything. We would race to see who would line up the fastest in front of the classroom after recess and I remember the constant bickering of “NO, you like ME and I hate YOU.”

I didn’t end up going to the same middle school as you, but it surprised me when you happened to be in the same homeroom as me in high school. I was way past the innocent crush I had on you back in Miss Chan’s class. I’m glad though, that you asked me to sign your yearbook senior year of high school because even though we hadn’t talked since first grade, it was nice to recall the memories I shared with you as a kid. And it was nice to finally admit that I did have a crush on you back then.

Thank you for writing back in my yearbook and telling me that you had a crush on me back then too. You told me to tell all my future crushes that I had a crush on them because I’d never know what would happen. Thank you for giving me the courage to do just that.

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To my fifth grade crush:

I remember that you lived really close by my house. I’m not sure how I found out, but I remember always peering out the window hoping just to get a glimpse of you. The feeling of liking you lingered through the beginning of middle school despite not seeing you again.

We talked a bit in person, but we talked way more on the facebook messenger chat (that I was way too young to have). The experience of being able to talk to you through a chatroom, but not in real life freaked me out a lot. It made me promise myself that I’d never try to sound like someone else online. Now, I always send messages that I can imagine myself saying out loud because I want to be as genuine as possible.

A few days after fifth grade graduation, we started talking about who we had crushes on and somehow you just convinced me to tell you. I remember a huge weight lifted off my chest when I told you. You didn’t reciprocate my feelings or anything, but it felt like I had begun to let go.

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By the time I was a sophomore in high school, I would’ve never thought our paths would cross. I saw you on the bus and pretended not to see you. When I got off the bus, I thought for sure that I was safe and we wouldn’t have to awkwardly acknowledge that we knew each other. To my surprise, you approached me and asked if I remembered you. I wish I had the courage at the time to tell you, “How could I forget you when you were my crush in fifth grade? Did you forget I told you that?”, but I just told you I did. We talked about high school, classes, and extracurriculars as we walked towards our houses. It made me really happy that you approached me even when I didn’t expect it. Thank you for making my day, that day.   

To my 12th grade crush:

I literally met you a few months before graduation and realized I had a crush on you two months before graduation. It took me a long time to admit I had a crush on you because I didn’t know you that well. It didn’t seem possible, but I guess there was some charm about you that was attractive to me. I liked that you were a good listener and quiet. It made you seem very mysterious and I wanted to know more about you. Talking to you was easy and our conversations just flowed naturally. I really enjoyed the limited time we spent together.

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I wasn’t able to attend graduation so it seemed perfect to write you a letter I wouldn’t have to hand to you in person. I wrote a letter to you thanking you for all the memories we shared. I found out that whenever you dreamed, it was only of nightmares, so I decided to include a dreamcatcher in hopes that it would chase the nightmares away. You told me that it didn’t work after thanking me for the letter, but I hope that you cherish it and did end up bringing it to your dorm to hang somewhere.

I didn’t reply to your last text, but I genuinely hope that you are doing well. I hope that you enjoyed reading my letter and know that I meant everything I said. Thank you for making my senior year enjoyable and a little more bearable.

To my current crush:

I’m ashamed to admit that I may have the tiniest crush on you because I’m not brave enough to talk to you. I only know you because you are in my tutoring for chemistry, but in reality I have no idea who you are. It makes me happy every time I see you after class or when I see you in my building once in a while, studying. I don’t have the courage to talk to you, but I just wanted to thank you for brightening my day just a little everytime I see you.

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