Back in January 2025, I started a new research position, but also simultaneously served as a dating coach. What if I told you they were both the same thing? With my six-month long research position at PEERs for Dating and the Semel Institute for Neuroscience and Human Behavior, this was the case.
As featured in the New York Times and inspired the very show itself, “Love On the Spectrum”, dating coaches have proven to be the modern medicine for matchmaking.
how was i a researcher & a dating coach?
For six months, I met one-on-one with my mentees to help them navigate everything from making small talk to disclosing STI status. We covered how to start a conversation, how to ask someone out, how to handle rejection, and even how to talk about seemingly “uncomfortable” topics without sounding like a perfectly scripted PowerPoint slide.
Each week, we would join group “lectures” that break down every topic imaginable, every lesson necessary to feel ready to date. This included a rundown on body language, boundaries, and when to define the relationship.
Unlearning What Dating “Should” Look Like
With the rise of TikTok and “ChatGPT therapy”, a lot of misinformation about dating and strict timing rules have become widespread. Being a dating coach helped me to let go of these four popular “rules”.
- “The 3 Month Rule.” The “3 Month Rule” means that you see a partner’s true colors after “talking” or being together for three months. This rigid timeline can be unfair. Sometimes you get there faster because you ask deep questions early on; sometimes it takes longer because both people need space to open up. There isn’t a universal timeline for honesty or emotional safety.
- “The Man Should Text First.” In many of the relationships we discussed, gender roles still showed up in small ways. What I found is that initiating conversation doesn’t take away from your worth; it just shows interest. The key is mutual effort, not who types first.
- “No Double Texting.” Sending a second message was seen as “too much” by some. Oftentimes, it’s just what’s needed to keep communication clear. Reaching out again doesn’t make you needy, it just makes you human.
- “Opposites Attract.” While opposites can attract, this is not the sole reason a relationship with fail or succeed. I’ve seen just as many strong connections form between people who share similar values, humor, or ways of seeing the world. Chemistry can come from both contrast and common ground.
Clear Is Kind: The Power of Direct Communication
It can feel uncomfortable to be direct, especially when you’re worried about coming across as too forward or harsh. I’ve learned that being clear is one of the kindest things you can do: for yourself and for others.
Clarity means expressing your feelings honestly, asking questions instead of assuming, and checking in about how someone else feels. It means saying what you mean, instead of hoping they’ll just figure it out. Whether you’re asking someone out, setting a boundary, or sharing something personal, being upfront prevents misunderstandings, mixed signals, and unnecessary hurt.
me, you, us format
When you’re having a difficult conversation about expressing how you feel, taking things to the next level, or might be on the verge of a breakup, it’s important to include three things in the conversation. A “Me, You, Us” sandwich. Here’s an example: 1. “I feel _ when _.” 2. “I really appreciate _ about you.” 3. “When we’re together, we _.”
This structure allows the other person in the conversation to understand where you’re coming from without feeling attacked or overwhelmed. It softens the tone, keeps empathy at the center, and can be just as helpful in friendships or family relationships as it is in dating.
remember, dating is a choice!
One thing that coaches and mentees were reminded of during every “lecture” and at the start of every one-on-one counseling session, was “dating is a choice!” This is not something you’re just innately born knowing how to do. More importantly, this means that not everyone gets to date you and not everyone gets to date them.
There is a unique beauty in this affirmation because it shows how special it is to give someone else the privilege to get to know you through dating. Remember this.
Overall Experience: What Coaching Taught Me About Connection
When I tell people I worked as a dating coach for autistic adults, I usually get a mix of raised eyebrows, surprised faces, and curious follow-ups. To be fair, it’s not the most typical college side hustle, but it’s easily one of the most meaningful things I’ve done.
Before this role, I thought I knew what connection looked like: eye contact, shared interests, maybe some flirty sarcasm, and a meme or two. But working as a dating coach researcher has changed that completely.
This role surprised a lot of people, including me as a coach. I expected to be the one doing the coaching, but in reality, I’ve learned just as much as I’ve taught. Ultimately, it taught me how love, directness, and how dating really looks different for everyone.