For one week now, I have been finding a little time in my day to write a completely uncensored poem straight from my heart and mind to the page. I agreed to commit to this personal endeavor after giving a gift to a friend of mine. It was a gift which I had spent much of my time thinking about and perfecting specifically for her. When I gave it to her, she was both touched and shocked. She told me that she always knew we were friends, but she didn’t know exactly how much I loved and appreciated her until now. She didn’t mean it in a mean way or to say that I was bad friend. Rather, she meant it in an appreciative way after she realized how much I truly valued her friendship above so much else in my life.
It was then that I realized how often people just assume that their relationships will maintain themselves and that things are simply understood without being explained. However, relationships require work on both sides, and feelings are not always transparent. That being said, I decided that day to begin writing poems to people I love to remind them how much they mean to me. This is how it’s been going so far:
My first poem was to an old friend of mine, who I have known for more than eight years. She may not have known it at the time, but when we first started to get closer, she was actually helping me through a very tough time. I wanted to completely reinvent myself, or more fittingly, find myself after being surrounded by so much toxicity and pressure from the friends I had growing up. She helped me do that. So, I wrote her poem formatted like a “thank you” note where I told her everything she never knew she did for me and every way I have been better since. She doesn’t go to the same school as me anymore, so I sent it in an email (not my preferred form of communication). She called me when she read it, and she told me how much she appreciated it and me. She was happy to know the impact she made on me and told me the impact I made on her. It felt amazing, and it made her feel amazing too.
Another poem I wrote in the past week was to someone who I started off close to, then became distant to and am now only “good” friends with. I wrote it because I knew that what tore us apart was trivial. It was an accumulation of small annoyances built up from living together and miscommunication. I had always thought that she was upset at me, so I became upset at her. I was upset that I didn’t know why she was upset at me and that I had to always think about if what I was doing was upsetting her.
We eventually drifted a little closer together, but we were still miles apart from where we used to be. I was sad that I lost one of my closest friends, and I soon became sad that I was ever upset at her and pushed her away. So, I wrote all of this down in a poem that was both emotional and full of small jokes. She laughed, and then we talked. She was also confused about what happened and thought that I never liked her. I was sad she ever thought that, and she was sad that I thought she was ever so upset with me. The poem ultimately got me my old friend back and cleared away any “beef” that never actually was there to begin with.
I sent all my poems to their recipients so far except for one. I am simply not ready to send this poem yet, and I’m not sure if I ever will be. The poem is to someone who I am currently very close to, but have been greatly hurt by in the past. We gossip, laugh and tell each other our secrets. But, there was a time where they hurt me in ways they couldn’t imagine, and they likely don’t know that at all. As a result, I did and said some things that, though haven’t affected them, could affect them greatly if they knew. It is what is inside this poem that has been so painful for me, especially since it is something which still lingers in our relationship and in my feelings towards them.
Whether I want it to or not, it is always a card in my deck that I can play but not discard. So, I put all my feelings and truths in the poem, sealed it up and put it away. Even though they still don’t know about these remnants of past pain, it still made me feel better because I acknowledged its presence and put what I was feeling into something coherent and sound. It felt good to acknowledge my feelings and to put them into an art form that reflects them not only through words but through emotional impact. I don’t know if I’ll ever send the letter, but that’s not what this letter was about. It was about me and learning to see parts of myself that I have been avoiding, but that make me who I am today.
This little endeavor has given me a lot in only one week, and it only cost me a little time and effort. I will continue this journey, and I strongly recommend it to anyone. Just take a breath, clear your mind of trivial things and focus on the relationships in your life. Feel the feelings you feel. Love the way you love. And don’t forget, it doesn’t need to rhyme to be good.