Forgiveness might not be the first thing on our minds after someone wrongs us. Shocked and overwhelmed by another person’s actions, we may find ourselves overpowered by our emotions. It’s easy to react instead of act in situations like these. When confronted by dishonesty, wrongdoing, an offense, or even a betrayal, we must try to remember to lead with grace, even and especially if others have failed to. Stunned by behavior we might not necessarily agree with or carry out ourselves; it’s imperative to act in stark contrast.
According to the 2021 article “The power of forgiveness” by Harvard Health Publishing, “There are two sides to forgiveness: decisional and emotional. Decisional forgiveness involves a conscious choice to replace ill will with goodwill. For emotional forgiveness, you move away from those negative feelings and no longer dwell on the wrongdoing.” Forgiveness may not always be instinctual or even a feeling you land on after a good amount of time has passed. It can take effort on your end to reach. However, it will be worthwhile in the grand scheme of things. If it were easy enough for everyone to do, no matter an individual’s state of mind or emotional maturity, the world would be much more kind, gentle, and loving.
The same Harvard Health Publishing article acknowledges Dr. Tyler VanderWeele’s advice “to practice small acts [of forgiveness] in everyday life.” Ultimately, this will get you more acquainted with the uncomfortable feelings associated with being able to forgive another. By going through the motions and the process more often, ideally, you will feel less stubborn to do so. Through introspection, you may observe your reaction to the more mundane, simple wrongdoings that transpire daily. Therefore, by catching yourself in the act and reframing your approach, you will be on track to confront larger conflicts.
What forgiveness will do for you is set you free. The 2012 article “The Power of Forgiveness” by Huffington Post corrects a common misconception about forgiveness by asserting that “it is not about letting someone off the hook for […] wrongdoing, or forgetting about the past, or forgetting about the pain.” It will release you from the anguish and pain others’ actions have caused you. It can be achieved by following the REACH method outlined in Harvard Health Publishing’s “The power of forgiveness”— “recall the wrongdoing in an objective way” so as to achieve a “clear understanding of the wrong that was done”; “try to understand the other person’s point of view regarding why he or she hurt you, but without minimizing or downplaying the wrong that was done”; “realize that forgiveness is an altruistic gift that you can give to others”; “commit yourself to forgive”; and lastly, “hold on to your forgiveness.” This will allow you to move forward with a sense of relief.
You must evaluate whether the heaviness of long-lasting resentment and bitterness outweighs the experience of some discomfort now. At the end of the day, it’s for your own good— in more ways than one. Namely, “forgiveness is associated with lower levels of depression, anxiety, and hostility; reduced substance abuse; higher self-esteem; and greater life satisfaction,” as provided by Harvard Health Publishing’s “The power of forgiveness.” In accordance, Huffington Post’s “The Power of Forgiveness” affirms that “in the physical domain, forgiveness is associated with lower heart rate and blood pressure as well as overall stress relief. It is also associated with improving physical symptoms, reducing fatigue in some patient populations, and improving sleep quality. In the psychological domain, [it] has been shown to diminish the experience of stress and inner conflict while simultaneously restoring positive thoughts, feelings, and behaviors.” Therefore, practically every fiber of your being benefits from your commitment to forgiving those who have caused you pain, whether they are family members, friends, romantic partners, acquaintances, or even strangers.
Still, the value of not erasing these painful experiences from your mind is important to mention. The 2014 article “4 Reasons to Forgive but Not Forget” by Psych Central warrants that “taking good care of ourselves requires regular forgiveness of others. [We don’t forget] so we can take the valuable life lessons with us.” The success of our future relationships partly relies upon what our past experiences bring to the table. If we are able to learn something from a relationship we shared, we should not consider it a failure. This process of trial and error pertains to life just as much as it does mathematics. As we discover what our individual boundaries are and determine which relationships are worth preserving, we can expect our future relationships to be even more worthwhile and fruitful.