Calling all Fifty Shades of Grey book and movie lovers! It is that time again when Christian Grey and Anastasia Steele will grace us with their tumultuous relationship on the big screens come Valentine’s Day 2017. Let me preface that I have not read any of the books. I am experiencing this trailer with virgin eyes. While I may not agree with these two’s relationship, I must say I am very eager for this movie’s release to see how much more this relationship can sink. Now let’s not wait any longer. Let’s review this trailer with a splash of SpongeBob! (Why SpongeBob, you may ask? Because it is like a metaphorical cold shower. You will need it after watching the trailer yourself.)
1. Christian watches fireworks by a lake.
Our first clip shows a man, who I conclude to be Christian Grey, mysterious looking at a beautiful display of fireworks over a lake. Now, why is he by myself? Maybe he is feeling remorseful for all his punishing ways toward Ana in the first instalment.
2. Someone gets a gift.
Maybe Christian gives Ana the gift box? If so, I suspect it is her masquerade mask inside.
3. Christian’s Parents’ Masquerade Party!
So lavish. It honestly looks like the party to be at. Where is my invitation?
4. Christian wants Ana back.
Christian send Ana bouquet of beautiful white roses as a way to reel her back into his life. Then in the background, we hear an exchange between the two about whether their relationship can work after all that has happened. Christian thinks it can, while Ana objects. Yet, we all know while Christian’s offer is very intriguing and Ana will obviously be seduced by it, it will ultimatlety end in utter disaster.
5. Christian shows up to Ana’s friend’s art show.
His stalkerish ways always find a way to creep back since he has a thing for showing up to places uninvited. I think he needs to wear a cowbell so that we know when he is approaching. I feel we could avoid Ana’s continuous shocked face if this development occurred.
6. “You are just going to stand there gawking?”
Apparently. Though I don’t think that is going to last very long. Christian just can’t keep his hands off Ana.
7. The Shower Scene.
Bless. This is what we all came here for! So spicy. So NSFW. All of us women can live vicariously through Ana as she indulges in the erotic deliciousness that is Christian Grey. Now if he could just chill out and stop being a possessive, punishing, no-cuddling-allowed creep, he could potentially be on his way to becoming boyfriend material. But for now, we’ll keep him as our big screen boy toy.
8. “This time no rules, no punishments, and no more secrets.”
While in theory, this sounds like a good idea, when it comes to these two, everything always goes sour. They NEED boundaries. Ana says this as a montage of clips of fireworks, Ana and Christian dancing, Christian working out while Ana looking at him post-coital in his bottom-up shirt, a cute couple boat ride, some disrobing, and more unfold before our eyes.
9. Who’s the creepy girl in Ana’s bedroom watching Ana and Christian sleep?
Christian’s ex-submissive, Leila. Lovely. Great. Now Fifty Shades Darker goes crazy, horror movie on us, making me ask paranoid questions like “Who that? Why is she here? Did Ana just make her up? Is she a ghost?” Nope. Just an ex-submissive. You know, just Christian’s skeletons lunging out of his red closet.
10. Creepy, sexually harassing boss Jake Hyde.
Serious Ana needs a bodyguard. The “men” in this series struggle immensely with not harassing Ana and my fears for her only continue to increase. Where is HR when you need them? #Unacceptable
11. The Grand Entrance of the Famous Blonde Cougar Mrs. Robinson.
What a joyous occasion. This woman shows up in the trailer for a second and Ana is already leaving the masquerade ball angry at Christian and he looks worried. I don’t blame him. Cougar lady looks like a scary old secret-spilling serial killer lady. Wonder what he ever saw in her?
12. Parking Garage Intervention.
This clip brought up so many questions for me and zero answers. What the heck is with all these black cars? Why are Ana and Christian being surrounded by scary-looking men? What is heck is even going on?
13. Helicopter Accident Clip
While I don’t know too much about this one clip, I can only imagine that it is not going to end well for Christian and Ana.
14. “You think you are the first woman who has tried to save him?”
Geez. Crazy ex-submissive gives us ANOTHER trailer cameo. I suspect I am not going to be the biggest fan of this girl. Especially if she keeps showing up uninvited to Ana’s apartment.
Well, I guess we will have to wait until Valentine’s Day to find out what really happens in this sexy, intense saga.
Photo credit: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15