Dear 17-year-old me,
I guess on a larger scheme, the years between 17 and 20 are fairly short and in fact, may seem like an insignificant amount of time. However, when Snapchat memories pop up on my phone from 3 years ago, I’m almost in shock at that version of myself when recalling the thoughts and mindsets I, or you, had. I become saddened, frustrated, and borderline angry, because in actuality, the 3 years since those moments were incredibly significant and I wish I’d had the perspective they brought me back then.
I know right now you’re feeling unfulfilled by life and your circumstances. I know you’re inviting people into your space that you probably shouldn’t, just to chase what you think fulfillment is or looks like. I also know that you’re consistently pushing people away that could probably do you a lot more good than not, simply out of anger and insecurities and not thoughtful reasoning based on their character. You have a heart that’s frequently misunderstood and it’s been taken advantage of. Eventually, it’s gonna harden your shell, make you guarded, and at times you’ll be too shy to even speak your mind. Bittersweetly, because of that, you are gonna spend almost an entire year feeling as if you have no one to confide in and you’ll be alone with your thoughts. The silence will be deafening and practically unbearable. But it’ll do wonders, once some things click.
Even though you’re gonna have to experience it all for yourself, there are a few things I wish you had known. This world is a cruel place and it’ll keep being cruel. I know how much you crave it, but there won’t be a definite moment where heartbreak doesn’t exist and disappointment doesn’t creep its way back into your life — a nice way to survive the inevitable is to find and welcome the right people into your life, without fear of judgment from others on how it may look. That guard you have stacked up 1,000 feet tall right now won’t help in doing that. I found that the only way to do that is to face your flaws head-on, build on what you can, and accept what you can’t. The things you’ve resented most about yourself and kept at bay for so long are gonna be the reason people love you and the reasons you succeed.
A few more things, too. Your gut is going to be right more times than not, seeing your therapist doesn’t make you weak, take your feelings and write a song or 30, and give your mom and dad a big kiss and hug while you’re at it, too. I know you’re trying to be an angsty teen these days, but those walls you’ve been so good at building up, you’ve learned to do from somewhere. They need it just as much as you do. Everyone around you does.
Sincerely,
20-year-old you.