Trigger Warning: This article deals with eating disorders and mental health issues. Another warning will be closer to that content.
A shoe is left on a staircase as a young woman dashes away, leaving a distraught crowd behind her. By the last stroke of midnight, she is gone. Only a pumpkin is left in her stead.
I watched this scene unfold in Rodgers and Hammerstein’s Cinderella at the Orlando Repertory Theatre, and found myself entranced all these years later. This time, though, there was a twist. I knew the woman running away from the ball. Cinderella is my friend.
Sarah Anne Mae has been a friend of mine for over five years. We were internet friends when Tumblr was still cool. It could be the supportive friend in me, but when I heard Sarah was auditioning for “Ella,” I didn’t doubt she was going to book the role.
I sat down with her at a Panera Bread a few miles from the theater. I had done interviews before, but I was still anxious. I had never interviewed a princess before.
Can you Describe your history in theatre?
“I started doing theater when I was two and a half. I remember my mom had to be there for every rehearsal because I wasn’t potty trained. The first show I did was called The Littlest Reindeer. I did theatre at Winter Springs Performing Arts: The Stage until I was 17. We did Seussical Jr., and I was Jojo. The show was a big one because Jojo is the driving force in Seussical, which was very formative for me.
“I auditioned for Little Women at my high school, and I got Jo, which was crazy because I was in eighth grade. That show was huge because I was playing someone who was brass and bold and not like anything I’d ever been cast in before. Looking back, it was very formative to me in terms of what I could do with my voice, realizing that I’m not limited vocally or in terms of acting.”
“There was at least one semester I was doing three shows at the same time. Junior year was when I auditioned for Newsies at Titusville, and I was 17 years old cast against adults, some professionals. This was a time where I was like, ‘Am I going to be able to pursue this professionally? Or am I just kidding myself?’ This was like, “I’m not kidding myself. If I’m getting this at 17, what can I get when I have more experience?” So, that was huge.
What was the transition into adult theatre like?
“I kind of transitioned early, so to speak. But soon it became, ‘do I pursue theatre in college?’
“I decided my senior year to not apply for any theatre programs. I have a vocal coach I’ve been working with since I was nine. There are different types of voice techniques, and I have been studying speech singing since I was nine. If I went to a program that taught a different voice technique, it would be taking a huge step back because I’m having to restart.
“I am always hesitant to talk about my decision not to get a BFA. I think the programs are great! It was just the right choice for me. I’m still learning. I think if it comes down to if you can’t get the training anywhere else, go do the BFA and train. I had great teachers that were encouraging me and pushing me. So I didn’t have to start over.”
Is this your first Orlando Rep show?
“Yes! The Rep was a big one. I didn’t audition for them in high school; I genuinely didn’t think I was good enough. I don’t know why I decided to limit myself in that way.
“I finally auditioned when I was 19. At the time, I believed having a bad audition was worse than not being seen at all, which now I disagree with. I think any audition experience is beneficial, and you can learn from bad auditions.”
I had the unique experience of knowing Sarah on a personal level; I have watched her struggle, overcome, and grow over the course of our friendship. However, I never knew just how valiant my friend was until our lunch.
Trigger Warning: sensitive content ahead
You have really inspired me with your mental health journey. Can you share whatever you are comfortable with about that?
“My first experience was in sixth grade; I had an eating disorder. They put it under EDNOS (eating disorder not otherwise specified). Then, from the eating disorder came depression.
“I think one of the hardest things about an eating disorder is acknowledging you have one. Denial was a huge part of it. I had friends who told their parents, ‘we don’t think Sarah is okay.’ I am very thankful for these friends now, but at the time, I was furious. I was losing weight, I was very irritable, I didn’t eat. If I would eat, it was very controlled. I had to have a meal at a specific time of day. If I had food I hadn’t planned for, I would shut down.
“Theatre was a part of helping me heal. When Winter Springs had announced they were going to do The Little Mermaid Jr., I was at the height of my eating disorder. I spent a lot of time at The Stage as I was in recovery. I got Ariel in The Little Mermaid Jr. and it was a two-week camp. It was at the end of those two weeks that I realized I hadn’t once thought about my meals. I hadn’t once thought about food. I didn’t control it at all. I never really got an official eating disorder-free date, but I very much associate that camp with being eating disorder-free. I’ve never relapsed. It was in sixth grade that I started therapy with a therapist who specialized in patients who had eating disorders, and I still utilize the tools she gave me.
“I want to acknowledge that even while knowing that theatre has helped me, I can’t be like, ‘oh, yeah, it’s great. It’s perfect.’ I’m not going to at all invalidate people who have gotten eating disorders from theatre because when your body is part of your job there’s gonna be complications that come with that.
“Seventh grade was when I really started to have problems with anxiety, and when my OCD started to manifest. This also started symptoms of bipolar depression; we worked on coping mechanisms for that, and then I started to feel like I was having normal reactions to things. But anxiety lingered for a very long time. It ruined my sleep. I was a senior when it reached its apex. I wasn’t sleeping. I was doing three shows at a time at this point, I was in AP classes, and I physically needed to learn how to sleep again. I would wake up pretty consistently at 3 am genuinely feeling like I was going to die. Most of the time it was so bad, I needed to physically get someone to sit with me to calm down.
“So I went to a specialist who worked in EMDR (eye movement desensitization and reprocessing). It replicates your eye movement when you’re in REM sleep and reassociates traumatic memories with things you can handle thinking about. It was in doing EMDR therapy that I realized it was a symptom of PTSD. There had been an event in my childhood that I did not think much about, but it was still affecting me years later. Using EMDR, I was able to reassociate those memories. But it was hard. It took a year of doing that to be able to sleep again. When you think about it, legitimately not sleeping at night is insane. I don’t know how I survived as long as I did.
“When the pandemic hit, so did the depression. I know a lot of my friends who had never dealt with mental illness, this was their first time experiencing it. I have a friend I have known since we were ten, and she had been there through it all. I talked so openly about it and be like, ‘gotta go to therapy. See you later.’ Now she’s in therapy, talking about how seeing me in the sixth grade being open about the fact that I was in therapy did help her eventually open up to it. I’m not saying I was the sole reason for that. But I do think it is important for people to be brave enough to be like, “Hey, I am in therapy.“ We’re part of breaking the stigma.
“But, anyway, 2020. It felt like going back for depression meant that I wasn’t strong enough to get it fixed the first time. Obviously, healing isn’t linear. But that’s how it felt. I didn’t want to go back because I was like, ‘I should have beaten this already.’ It was actually my birthday in 2020 was when I was like, ‘no, I need help. I’m not doing well.’
“There’s a medical spa where you submit body fluid, and from that, they can check your brain chemicals and see what your brain is producing. We took track of that and I started taking supplements for what I was lacking. The supplements teach your brain to produce, so I’m off them now. Paired with therapy, it was very helpful, and I’m stable now.
“I don’t know everyone’s experience, but I think when you are living with mental illness, it can be scary to think ‘what am I without my mental illness?’ I think understanding my mental illness is not my identity was a big thing that I learned specifically this year.”
It was a lot to take in. I had to change gears quickly to avoid bursting into tears of admiration.
Sarah is one of the biggest Cinderella fans I know. I associate her with the story, both the Disney version and Rodgers and Hammerstein’s musical. I love the character myself, but I wanted to know what made Sarah tick in regards to our wistful hero.
What is it about Cinderella?
“We had to do a character project for Cinderella at the Rep. Our director was like ‘just give me something that shows me you know your character.’ I turned in a six-page essay because I have so many thoughts about Cinderella.”
I asked to read the essay, and I can confirm that it is six pages. Here is a quote:
“I think Ella starts to gain some of her confidence and some of her voice back because of Topher. His voice, his praise, his love help her remember who she was before her parent’s passing. The girl who wanted to be like her mother. The girl who had companionship with her father. It starts slow, but it starts! And that’s what’s important. I think there’s evidence in ‘Driving Through the Moonlight’ and in ‘A Lovely Night.’ The Ella before the ball would never have had the courage to say so much, to lead the charge in a moment of fun and imagination.”
“I saw a great summary. Someone tweeted this and I’m not on Twitter, but someone I know reposted it.
“As a kid, I grew up watching Cinderella. I lived in a two-story house, and there’s the scene in the movie where she has the tray on her head and the tray in her hands walking up the stairs, and she loses her shoe. I acted that out as a child.
“I wasn’t in an abusive house or an abusive situation. But, in senior year, it was rough. I was miserable; even though I was surrounded by wonderful people and doing things I loved, it was too much. I was living in a cycle of not sleeping, working all the time, having no time to myself.
“I would cry whenever she sings ‘A Dream is a Wish Your Heart Makes.’ I think the faith of like, hold onto the dream, onto the hope, onto faith. In a time where my heart was hardening, I remember thinking, ‘I don’t really like the girl that I am right now. She’s very bitter. She’s very jaded.’ I think watching Cinderella was a reminder that I can keep my heart soft. It’s hard work.
“There’s a lot that the stepmother can take away from her in any version of Cinderella, literally and figuratively, but she can never take away Cinderella’s ability to be kind. That is something no one can ever take away from you. I feel like we don’t acknowledge that. I think that’s part of my social anxiety, it was hard for me to stand up for myself. Knowing that I survived it and I can hold on to my self-worth through it is important.
“I think the more I do the show, the more I see how powerful the prince is to her story. She’s not rescued by the prince. In [Rodgers and Hammerstein’s] version, it becomes less about the Prince and more about ‘I love him. And he loves me. And when was the last time that I felt loved.’ I think unconditional love is a staple to Cinderella and her grace.
“I love that in our production, she forgives the stepmother. The fact of the matter is, she’s not worthy of it. I don’t want to discredit people who are like, ‘I can’t ever forgive this person for what they did.’ That’s completely valid. I just have found forgiveness to be very important in my life. It’s a way to find peace and to relinquish the power another person has over you. I think it comes across as a quiet strength. It’s not out loud, but it’s still strong.
“Let’s talk surface-level for a second here. Beautiful gowns, glass slippers, falling in love. To escape into magic, it’s the thrill of magic and princesses. You watch Cinderella dress up as her and like here, it’s actually happening and I actually get to live in it every day.”
We had talked earlier about how much Sarah loved performing for the kids. I wanted to know more about what she wanted audience members to walk away with when they left the Rep.
If there is anything you hope audiences take away from the show, what is it?
“I want the kids to see the power of kindness. One compliment can make someone’s day. I love that the kids get to see that she’s not afraid to be kind, even when she’s afraid to be herself. I think forgiveness is something that I still learn a lot about every day. I wish I could have started learning about it a little earlier because when you’re a kid, it’s like ‘say you’re sorry and hug.’ I like seeing forgiveness done in a way where it’s not as simple as ‘say you’re sorry.’ It means more, even if kids may not completely understand the complexities of it yet.
“I hope they take away that she is powerful and they love her just as much as I did when I was a kid. Also, in terms of theater itself, I hope that the kids who are like ‘I could do that one day,’ know they can. I hope that some of them pursue it. It is cool to think about how for some kids, this may be the first time they’ve ever seen a live show. I hope that they take away the magic of theater, the joy of it, the thrill of it.
“As for the adults: I want them to relive it for the first time. I want them to watch Cinderella as they did when they were kids. I want them to experience the magic and the hope. I want that feeling of ‘I can do it.’ Whatever they’re dreaming of. I think sometimes, adults forget that they can still dream.
“It’s possible. I think I want everyone to leave with that feeling of it. I love that it has become like the motto of this version of Cinderella. I love the simplicity of ‘it’s possible.’ I never get sick of saying it.”
This publication is read by a lot of college-aged girls. As one yourself, is there anything you would want them to know?
“I think something that I’m still teaching myself is there’s no one way to do anything. There’s no one way to pursue a dream. There’s no timeline. I’m ‘behind’. I should be a junior, and I’m technically still a sophomore. At first, there was a lot of shame in that. But it’s like, behind what?
“I’m very fortunate right now to have great friends. It’s easier said than done but search for the people who love you authentically. It is hard, especially when you still don’t fully know who you are yet. One of the only ways to find people who love you unconditionally is to be completely real. It is a risk. It ties back to Cinderella so perfectly because it comes down to having the courage to be yourself and be seen. That’s part of the reason why I love Cinderella; she does have that strength and bravery. But, not until the end of the show. It’s an uphill battle.
“I turned 21 over the course of the show. I don’t drink. The cast was talking about going out, and I was like, ‘oh, I don’t really drink.’ Next thing you know, on my 21st birthday, they brought in non-alcoholic sparkling apple cider and toasted it to me. And it’s like, that’s what happens when you are authentic and vulnerable, even though it can be scary. You are going to find the people who love you through that.”
What is next for you?
“In 2020, I was cast as ‘Ellie’ in Freaky Friday; I’m the daughter. A week into rehearsals, we shut down. And so here we are two years later, finally putting on Freaky Friday in the spring. As of right now, I am pursuing a Bachelor’s in Communications. I say that with fingers crossed because who knows what will change. Then, I’m just auditioning everywhere.”
At this point, it had already been over two hours, and the baristas were eavesdropping on the conversation, wondering what we could be gabbing about for so long.
Sarah left me with this as we started wrapping up:
“It seems to always come back to Cinderella because I find so many things coming back to the themes of her story. I have seen them in my daily life. She’s relevant. I mean, they’re still remaking them. She’s timeless.”
Rodgers and Hammerstein’s Cinderella runs at the Orlando Rep until December 19th, 2021.