The concept of “girly-girls” and “tomboys” seem so petty to discuss at this age, but honestly, “girly-girl” is the best way to describe who I was as a child. Pink dresses, barbie dolls, and sparkly barrettes in my high ponytail; I felt comfortable and at the same time, unfazed by my stereotypical attitude. I was just living life doing my own thing, until the age of 10, when I struggled with body issues and suddenly retreated behind a shell of oversized t-shirts. Thoughts of being a “girly-girl” slowly seeped away, because I just assumed all girls are thin and I didn’t happen to fit that.
Weight differences may have planted the seed, but what made me grow an intense, unhealthy aversion to being feminine was feeling dismissed by other girls. Getting isolated from friend circles, being left out of sleepovers and playdates, being silently judged for my loud, boisterous attitude; it all added up to make me feel unworthy of being a part of the community. I ended up taking my shame and dialing it up to hatred for “girly” things. I felt I wasn’t accepted for who I was, that somehow I wasn’t feminine enough for others or for myself, therefore, I had abandoned the traditional girl in me.
It’s one thing to be a girl who naturally doesn’t like makeup, nails, dressing up, etc., but it’s another if you look down on others who enjoy such things. By middle school, I had grown a sense of hatred for many traditional feminine things, only because I thought women were weak for bothering about that stuff. Why should anyone care to wear makeup for 1st-period math? Why should anyone want to show off their curves? Must be because of a boy.
I reduced a girl’s desire to look good as something they do for male validation. To make me feel better than others, I never wore makeup, dressed up in terribly-coordinated t-shirts and leggings, and didn’t “waste time” trying on cute accessories. I didn’t feel like I was repressing a part of me, because I genuinely felt ok with the way I presented myself. However, due to the pain and embarrassment I felt from my past, I had brainwashed myself into thinking I was better than these “girly-girls.”
Once high school hit, I faced more issues with being criticized for my appearance, and yet again I stooped into the sadness of “not being good enough.” I had run away from femininity so much I ended up shooting myself in the foot: I didn’t know how to dress well, how to wear makeup, how to coordinate accessories with what complimented my features. My self-esteem tanked further than I thought was possible, so much so that I skipped Prom because I believed I wouldn’t look “womanly” enough.
Looking back at my journey through navigating femininity… I’m extremely frustrated with myself. There were two huge mistakes I made, number one, letting other people dictate how I should think about myself, and number two, believing that femininity is solely about physical beauty. I allowed external circumstances to influence the ways I view femininity, and therefore, the way I view myself compared to others. I tried running away from femininity, desperately trying to lean on masculinity, and once I learned I was not “accepted” for that, I unnecessarily put myself in a rut.
I haven’t changed much from high school: I still am not super into makeup, dressing up, jewelry, etc, but I don’t let these things define me as a woman. MOST importantly, I have stopped viewing other women as “inferior” or “desiring men’s attention” if they happen to enjoy these things. Femininity is a beautiful, powerful energy to have, as this is what allows human beings to be emotional, gentle, empathetic, and artistic, similar to how masculinity relates to assertiveness, organization, leadership, and protecting others. Makeup, jewelry, clothing– none of this encapsulates what it means to be “womanly.” I learned that to be the best woman possible, I have to stop forcing myself into categories designed by other people, and instead, find strength in the feminine and masculine dualities of life.