Like many, my body has always been something I’ve been hypersensitive about. I am constantly aware of how my clothes hang on my body, I am picky about what I wear, and I only briefly look in the mirrors in the dressing room out of the fear that if I look at myself for too long under those bright lights, I will suffer a crushing blow to my confidence.
While I have gained so much more confidence in my body after coming to college, my insecurities still linger. I still don’t wear tight-fitting clothing with the worry of how I will judge myself and how others will judge me, too. In the off chance I choose to wear a tight-fitting shirt, I almost always get a, “You have boobs?!” comment or a “Wow, you look GOOD, but different.” These positive reinforcements are flattering, but never give me enough confidence to wear figure-hugging clothes. Since wearing clothes for the praise from others really didn’t make me feel any better or more confident, I needed to go out and wear something with the full intention of doing it for me ─ to fuel confidence from myself. I wanted to try and rewrite this complicated love story, at least once.
So when my sorority’s semi-formal came around, I thought I would try something new: wear a tight fitting dress, and see what happened.
On the night of the event, I shimmied into the dress and felt like I had just put on a second layer of skin. Out of habit, my eyes immediately zoned in on my hips because in the words of comedic king John Mulaney, “that’s the thing I’m most SENSITIVE about.” However, I challenged myself to stare at the mirror. Take it all in, I thought. Look from all angles. Take a picture. Be NICE. After probably 10 minutes, I had desensitized myself to my harsh thoughts for the time being.
I eventually left my room, and my housemates flooded me with compliments, which felt more pleasant than usual because it finally started to affirm how I actually felt. But once we made it to the formal, I instantly started comparing myself to everyone in their dresses. I thought maybe I had overdone it with the tight dress. A small identity crisis ensued.
As the night went on, something switched. I was dancing and eating cheesecake and taking pictures. I just felt like myself, tight dress and all. When I stopped paying attention to what others thought and had fun, the voices in my head silenced. When I felt like I was my most authentic self, acting goofy on the dance floor and unashamedly eating cheesecake, I felt the best in the dress.
I generally am happy with who I am, but it would be foolish to say I don’t have my insecurities. My body and I have come a long way, from being severely underweight to struggling to get used to my body naturally gaining weight. I am healthy and I am strong, but I still feel insecure every now and then. Wearing a tight dress helped guide me in the right direction towards achieving more body confidence. Even though such an act sounds small and maybe dumb, it challenged me and helped me realize my body’s worth and the importance of being kind to myself. My body and I have a complicated love story, but it’s ours. It’s mine. And it’s full of plot twists and struggle. And LOVE.