Incessant Thoughts on My Adolescence

As I’m sitting here on this spring evening, I wonder when my growing pains are going to end. I remember the little girl I used to be, and sometimes the thought of her makes me sad. But the feelings pass, and I am reminded that it’s all a part of growing up. When I first got to college, I thought I would be intensely homesick for my hometown, the friends I had, and the family I was no longer living with. College was hard, but not in the ways I thought it would be. It turns out I was pretty extroverted and thrived in a social college environment; everything made me so happy. It wasn’t as hard for me to adjust to a life without my hometown as I thought it would be. Growing up proved to be not necessarily harder, but different than I thought. It left me feeling incredibly confused and unprepared because I wasn’t expecting the battles I was faced with. Sometimes I wouldn’t think about home and everything that came with it for days on end, and there were certain days where I would cry; missing the past and unable to move forward.

For starters, I’ve learned that at least for me, growing pains are inevitable. I realize that I will always miss moments and people, and that’s all a part of life.  When I think about change, it fills me with so much sadness and fear for the future. Then I remember that life is filled with good and bad constantly, and for your life to become better than it is, you have to say goodbye to the good in life you already know. The battles I faced in my first year of college dealt with learning to say “yes” more to the things that scared me. Fall filled me with so much hope of what freedom felt like, while bonding with people that weren’t from my hometown for the first time. In winter, I fell in love (and out of love). In spring, I laid under the sun every day and counted the stars every night, and ended the year jumping out of a plane (literally).

This year brought new blessings and problems in my life. I feel like I’ve spent this past year learning how to say “no” to things that were not meant for me, saying goodbye to people that weren’t meant to be in my life anymore, and trying new things, in moderation, because everything isn’t meant for you. Even though this change initially hurts, I think the harsh reality is that you’re going to outgrow people so that you can grow into yourself. It’s hard to come to terms with the fact that certain people were in my life for so long. However, you sometimes keep people around because it’s more comfortable. Humans can’t help but crave comfort, and it can be scary to change what your reality is, especially when it is out of your comfort zone. There’s no guarantee that change will be good, so it’s easy to stay content with everything that is your life. You can care for people, even though they are the wrong people to help you experience self-growth. That’s why it hurts so bad, but you have to be gentle with yourself and gracefully allow people to enter and leave your life. 

The reality is that you will probably outgrow yourself. I am constantly shaping and changing who I thought I was. I realize that I’m not who I identified myself to be a year ago or even a week ago. That means I’m not staying in one place my whole life, and that makes me happy. The scary part is sometimes I have to evaluate if I’m changing for the better. I hope I am, but sometimes I wonder if I would like me if I was a stranger. I’m constantly trying to be the best version of myself, and I just have to hope that’s enough. I guess my point is that growing up hurts, and I carry that pain with me everywhere I go, and maybe that’s something I’ve just come to terms with. 

• Brave
• change
• friends
• future
• self-care