How to Have Difficult Conversations

As adults, difficult conversations are as uncomfortable as they are inevitable. Learning how to handle them will make our lives easier and improve the relationships we have with our friends and family. Below are five tips to have better intimate conversations.

Use “I feel” statements

In kindergarten, we were taught to use “I feel” statements to communicate to other people. As adults, we seem to forget them. Instead, a lot of statements take on a more accusatory tone, such as “You always…” or “You don’t understand…” When we use “I feel” statements, the response we get will be less defensive. For example, which one would you rather hear: “You never pay attention to me when we’re around your other friends,” or “I feel left out when we’re with your other friends”? The response to the first statement might be “Well, I do pay attention to you when we’re around my friends,” while the response to the second statement might be “Why do you feel that way?” or “I don’t mean to make you feel left out!” 

Don’t take it personally

One of the best things you can do for yourself is learn not to take things personally. When someone raises a concern to you, they are not trying to attack your character. They simply wish to solve a problem that you may have caused. Therefore, it is unproductive to think that they are villainizing you when in fact, they want to believe in your ability to listen to their concerns.

Listen to understand, not to defend

For a lot of people, it takes some guts to share their feelings with someone else. These feelings should be validated instead of diminished. If you choose to defend your behaviors, you are choosing to ignore their feelings instead of trying to empathize with them. So, even if in the moment you disagree with what the other person is saying, try to at least affirm their feelings. 

Something else to note is that it can be easy to try to shift the blame on the other person. “Well, I only act this way because you do this” is not productive, because it starts a blame game. Remember, the point of the conversation is to solve the problem that was first presented. If you have a problem with another person, it is your responsibility to let them know. 

know when to stop

Emotions may inevitably get in the way of having a productive conversation. That’s when both parties should put the conversation on hold and wait until they are calmer. It’s essential to continue the conversation after the break. Otherwise, it’s like the conversation never happened at all and things will not change.

What to do if the conversation is unproductive

If you are doing all of the above and the other party does not do the same, it’s time to consider if the conversation is even worth having. Some people will react defensively and choose to not change their ways. Some people will apologize but won’t resolve to do better. Some people will refuse to engage in a proper conversation, either going silent or resorting to a screaming match. This is when the relationship between both parties is really being tested. You need to consider how big the problem is, how often they react this way to conflicts, and how important this person is to you. 

Nobody wants to have tough conversations, but they are important to have. Learning how to manage your reactions and take care of yourself will be essential to solving the problem.

• #psychology
• college
• communication
• love
• mental health