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In the generation of the iHookup it is easier than ever for people to know whether or not you are in some sort of romantic relationship based off of your cute Instagram uploads of coffee dates or bouquets of flowers from your significant other, or lack thereof. But while almost every couple seems uber infatuated with their own fairytale ending, they can’t seem to stop concerning themselves with the rest of ours! Based solely off of experience, I’ve compiled a short list of the most offensive and/or obnoxious things to say to your single friends.
– You’ll find someone when you’re least expecting/stop looking!
o Excuse you, who the hell said they were? It’s rather likely your single friends aren’t actively searching for a mate. They are not in heat and are probably pretty open to stumbling across a potential match… when the time is right. They have lives, responsibilities, and other things to worry about besides who will be the next person they force to watch P.S. I Love You with them.
– I don’t get it. Why don’t you have a boyfriend/girlfriend/significant other?
o S***, did I forget to pick one up at the store AGAIN? Trust me, if knowing the answer to that question was simple, they probably wouldn’t be single anymore, would they? Oh wait, I know why: because they probably haven’t found someone worth dating yet.
– Maybe it’s because you’re *insert highly offensive, pseudo helpful flaw of choice here*
o Oh, is that why? Let me fix that now. K, bye.
– If you’re not married by the time you’re 35, we’ll get married.
o Wait, did I hear you correctly? SWEET BABY JESUS, I AM SAVED. I thought I was going to end up alone with no potential prospects at the senile age of 35 when all my lady parts have all but withered away. Should I start looking at reception halls now? We should get a move on and start registering for gifts. Again, thank you.
– So, what’s new in your love life?
o If they have something new to tell you, they will. If you have to ask, chances are there’s nothing to tell.
– You should be more open/social/out there/flirty
o Tell me more. Should I wear also wear high waisted leather leggings, take up smoking, and maybe fly a car into the sunny summer sky? Oh, wait. That’s Grease. There are some situations where it is acceptable to offer this type of advice, but if your single friend is a well-adjusted, socially competent, productive member of society with an arguably shining personality, don’t push them to be more of something they’re not. Someone will love them as they are, so let it be.
– Do you want me to set you up?
o Truly and honestly, no. Please don’t set them up on a pity date to absolve you from the guilt of having someone while your best friend does not. You having someone is not a sin, just like their not having someone is not a tragedy. So, thank you but they really don’t want “that one guy you met at ‘da club’ who you thought was kinda cute, but turns out he was immature, but he’s still totes nice’s” number.
They know you mean well and love you for it, but they’re not a charity case so please keep your eHarmony matches to yourself. We’re just fine.
With love,
The single friends