Self confidence has always been a struggle for me. Whether it be in my academic success, my appearance, or my talent in other areas of life, I have a hard time feeling good about myself. For as long as I can remember, I have put myself in this box of being the awkward, shy type. I categorized myself as introverted and quiet, and that really hindered my ability to socialize and really put myself out there. Even now, that I’m in college and almost 20 years old, I still struggle with this often. I especially notice this lack of self confidence when I need to go to an interview, when I have to present something to a professor, and when trying to make new friends. I always wondered how people seemed so sure of themselves in every situation. I wanted to be someone who knew they were good and competent enough to be successful anywhere at any time.
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Just recently, my entire outlook on self confidence changed, and I thought it might be a valuable perspective to share. I was out with a friend at lunch, and this happened to be right after I pitched a research proposal to a professor. Before the meeting I was insanely nervous. I contemplated leaving multiple times, and my professor being late did not help the nerves. I thought he might have forgotten, or that he wasn’t interested in meeting with me anymore. Eventually, I got in the room, pitched my idea, and my professor signed off on it. The meeting went super well, but every lull in the conversation sent me back into self doubt. Was I not talking enough? Was I talking too much? Was my idea stupid? Why were my hands so sweaty?
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I told my friend how insanely unconfident I felt during the meeting, and while they assured me that I did a great job, they told me something more valuable. They told me that self confidence is not something you are, it is something you do. Self confidence is a performative act. The most confident people you know are just constantly putting themselves forward. Yes, they may already be super extroverted and well spoken, but their self confidence isn’t dialed up to 100 all the time. They consciously make the decision to straighten their back, talk with their chin up, maintain eye contact, and end with a firm handshake.
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When I realized that I did not have to be a particular kind of person and only do certain things, confidence seemed a lot more tangible than before. When you make the same actions as someone you perceive as confident, people will feel like you have just as much confidence, and you will start believing it too. Like anything, it comes easier and easier with practice. If you take every situation that makes you nervous or doubtful as an opportunity to work on your presentation of confidence, it will start to become more of a feeling, and less like something you have to remember to do.