I recently went through something very hard in an aspect of life that I had never experienced before. I had taken the decision to step out of my comfort zone and to become vulnerable in ways which I had never done before. I stepped forward blindfolded and that was where I made my first mistake. Instead of looking around me and learning from others who had already lived through this, I decided to learn for myself.
The only thing wrong with doing that is that now I am just hurt. Seeing the learning aspect of this hardship has been harder than I ever thought it could be. Days pass by and I do my best to live in the moment, one day at a time. I realize I only have to make sure I work hard every single day to feel better. Surprisingly, I have been feeling a bit better each day, but something still holds me back.
I just can’t seem to forgive myself for my mistakes. I find myself sitting in class, at work, at home and thinking back on everything I should have done differently. The words I never said that I should have. The words I said and should have kept to myself. My actions that impacted in harmful ways. I find myself thinking, “Did I hurt you as much as you hurt me?” I dwell on this for long minutes each day and these thoughts are what keep me from forgiving myself. I have forgiven others along the way, something I thought was harder than forgiving myself, but came easier than this current hardship.
Although I felt anger at first, I am now fine with what was done to me. I know my pain is temporary and I will find the strength to overcome things. What I don’t know is if the pain I caused will also be temporary. I am unsure if the words that I said are still heard inside their head or, if that one thing I did that day not so long ago still replays in their eyes. I am not the only one who ended up hurt in this situation. Although I wasn’t the one who brought this upon us, I can’t help but wonder if this person was hurt in any way by me.
If they were, how can I forgive myself? The “what ifs” of life can break you inside with each passing day, even when the negative emotions of pain, anger, frustration keep diminishing. But simultaneously, guilt and lack of closure can consume your thoughts. I have been learning this the past few weeks of my life and have started to slowly forgive myself by accepting the fact that mistakes were made and realize that there is something for me to learn from this. Of course, the sadness will not go away completely from one day to the next, but I can feel myself growing free of the guilt and hurt that had become part of my everyday. Soon I will be able to look back at the situation, look back at the person straight in the eyes and thank them for everything they gave me: the good, the bad and the ugly.
