My Quarantine Routine

Recently, the state of California issued a state-wide quarantine to combat the exponentially-increasing numbers of coronavirus cases. Urging people to stay at home, Governor Gavin Newsom issued the state-wide ordinance shortly after Mayor Eric Garcetti of Los Angeles mandated a stay-at-home order. Many feel lost with the stop in their regular routine. Having a routine is essential for peace of mind and stability. Although my work was closed and my study abroad program was cancelled (leading me to play the Sims for days on end), my new routine is wonderful for my mental health. I’m writing it below so that others may hopefully find inspiration and discover a renewed sense of self-control and stability. 

8:21 A.M: Wake Up Routine

#1: Getting Out of Bed: I start off my day waking up joyfully, greeting the new world as I’m curs - I mean, blessed, with a new morning. I do a quick morning prayer to Steve Buscemi to ground myself and make me acknowledge my blessings (of which there are 2: Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen’s existences). #2: Breakfast: Watching Guy Fieri for meal ideas, I decide to forego breakfast and bleach my front tips to look like the golden legend himself. I liken myself to Britney Spears circa 2007 -- an icon in the precipice of a mental breakdown. Skinny. 

9:30 A.M. - 12 PM: Something for the Brain

#1: Attend Online Lectures: I log onto Zoom and crash my friend’s lecture. My study abroad program being cancelled means I actually have no school. However, it’s important to stretch your brain. To avoid suspicion, I print out a picture of my friend and I stitch it to my face, a modern Coraline. I have never been more beautiful. Important to remember: they can see you even when you’re in the bathroom. Don’t forget to mute yourself like I did. They compared me to Niagra Falls. 

#2: Finish Schoolwork: If your professor assigned you a test or homework, do it right away before you can get distracted with the soul-crushing despair of listening to your mother complain to customer service representatives about things beyond their control. You can put the -ion in procrastination which means something that I would know if I actually did my science homework. 

#3: Do Puzzles: When I’m finished with everything and still have time, I complete puzzles. The latest one I did was figuring out the puzzle of why he ghosted me even though I sent him hyperspecific Twitter memes on A24.   

12 PM - 3 PM: Something for the Soul

#1: Sob profusely and play Animal Crossing.

3 PM - 3:45 PM: Spend Time Outside

#1: My neighbors have been wearing 13th Italian plague doctor masks. Running over to compliment them on their chic apparel, I ran out of breath and was breathing rather heavily by which point they sprayed Lysol directly in my eyes. That made me cough. Mrs. Levinson fainted on the spot. I never knew I had that effect on women, but it’s nice to discover new things about yourself even in the midst of a global pandemic.I am laying on Landis Green with pink shoes3:45 PM - 6 PM: Something for the Heart 

#1: I retweeted a picture of Jesus praying for victims of coronavirus and a video of celebrities singing “Imagine” by John Lennon. It’s good to be an activist. 

#2: I send DMs to Timothee Chalamet, hoping that this time, he will actually respond back. I told him that he’s my corona cutie, that we can put the “us” in virus. A few hours later, I checked back to see if he read or responded. I found myself blocked. I cried in victory; he finally interacted with me. 

#3: I make the Sim version of myself die. It’s cathartic. 

6 PM - 7 PM: Something for the Spirit

#1: I changed my mind. I eat my breakfast now. I eat 6 Hot Pockets; I feel rejuvenated.

7 PM - 10 PM: Nighttime Routine

#1: I exist from 7 PM - 8 PM. I try taking on a less corporeal body but fail. I count the popcorn stucco on my ceiling instead. I make it to 132 before the disassociation consumes me completely. 

#2: I wash my face with my favorite skincare brand: Windex. The burning means it works; bonus points if your face lights aflame soon after. This will peel away the epidermis, and more importantly, the negative energy. 

#3: I express gratitude by tweeting Gary Busey a “thank you”. He’s the incarnation of the Holy One; I’m the only one who sees it, but we will all see it soon. Busey blocks me, but I know that it’s because the truth is too powerful for the world to know. 

#4: After showering, I get into bed with my dakimakura, or for the less cultured, my anime waifu body pillow. Her name is Hatsune Miku. I’m subscribed to her OnlyFans. I sleep.11 PM: Ah!

#1: I wake up from my government-regulated nightmare and eat more Hot Pockets. 

11:15 PM - 8: 21 A.M: Sleep

#1: She sleep.