“He wanted a bride, I was making my own name, chasing that fame, he stayed the same.”
Taylor Swift released her album, Midnights, on October 21. Personally, I liked all of the songs, but what stood out to me the most during my first listen was “Midnight Rain.” Many people interpreted it as a reference to one of Taylor Swift’s relationships. However, I beg to differ.
Since I was young, I have had this idea of becoming someone important. My expectations grew as I continued to win small events and gain attention in my small town. I began to reach for the stars. As college application season began, dread and anxiety filled my shoes. I would often cry and have multiple anxiety attacks. My school counselor tried to ease my worries by telling me not to set high standards regarding college decisions. That was easier said than done.
But I was a high achiever, and I still am. Many people at my current university are, or at least were, high achievers. I had high expectations: I would be the small-town kid who made it big. I will be able to repay my father, who traveled through oceans and mountains to give his kids a foreseeable future. I would begin by going to a great university.
Still, I tried to accept that I would follow a safe and traditional route I know many people did. I barely applied to any “reach” schools and decided to stay in-state. Around that same time, Taylor Swift released folklore, and I began to relate to songs such as “mirrorball” and “this is me trying.” These songs explored similar themes of a gifted child’s expectations being crushed. As a child, educators and relatives constantly told me I was talented. Naturally, I held onto the fear of people finding out I was not.
Eventually, I made it to UC Berkeley and met everyone’s high expectations. For a while, my anxieties eased but, of course, that didn’t last. All around me were extraordinary students with exemplary talents and backgrounds. Berkeley is meant to breed the best graduates, so there is a severe competitive culture that emphasizes the importance of grades and overworking yourself.
Since I arrived at this institution, I’ve begun to feel more stressed than ever. I engage in self-harming behaviors to put my education first, including but not limited to the following:
- Drinking multiple energy drinks
- Staying up all night
- Missing class to do homework
- Skipping meals for academic extracurriculars
These toxic habits are also known as the college lifestyle. I justify my actions because I feel that my colleagues are doing the same or worse. Yet, when you go to a prestigious school that produces Nobel Prize winners, you can’t help but feel you should be doing more.
There is more. What happens after you graduate? There was always a map of what to do as soon as you finished high school. You either go to a community college and transfer or directly attend a university. There are many colleges to choose from or technical career paths to follow. You can even spend a year or two figuring out your major. But there’s no clear path or instructions after getting your bachelor’s.
I can go to graduate school and get a master’s. Or I can go to law school and get a law degree. But these institutions are much more expensive than tuition for a bachelor’s degree! Perhaps I should take a gap year to save money and study for entrance exams. But what if I fall behind my peers? Or maybe I can get a job through one of my internships. Does that mean I should primarily focus on finding internships? How do I balance all of my thoughts and questions?
These dilemmas are where your counselors come into place. A major-focused counselor can help you understand what jobs are available for your major and how to best plan your career. A career counselor can help you know what position you are interested in and connect you with different people that will tell you about their experiences. A school counselor can provide a safe space to organize your anxieties.
It is in our school’s best interest for us to succeed. If we look for resources, we will find them. If you can’t find the necessary resources, ask for help. I ask for help all the time. If you want to do something, you can do it. I have set my goals and expectations for my passions. I will apply myself to them.
But one can do all this while applying safe limits. Take fewer units if you’re stressed out. Do less extracurriculars to have time for yourself. Cut out toxic friends that don’t help your inner peace. Change for the better and uplift those around you. Is your passion worth your self-deterioration? You will never know if you will continue taking a risky path. Putting your ambitions before others is okay, but you must put your mental and physical health first. I am confident that as long as we use the resources around us and care for ourselves, we will all get “just what we wanted.”