What Does It Feel Like To Have Bulimia?

Edited by Avleen Grewal

 

I long time ago I caught a friend of mine, *Romina, puking after dinner. I broke my heart seen her in such pain and self-hate. I was a big impact seen someone you would think has her life together broken into pieces because of cookie. She went through an entire treatment, and thankfully she’s doing great right now. Here’s her position about her disease.   

 

Caro: When and how did it begin?

Romina: It was around junior year and senior year in high school. I was probably around 16 or 15 years old. I remember clearly the first time I did it. It was my finals week in junior year. I was really stressed about grades and applying to uni next year (I was the nerdy/smart kid of my class so there was a lot of pressure on me). I went to school as normal and told my best friend at the time that I was so stressed was going to puke. She replied, and I honestly believe she said this with the best of intentions, to force myself to puke so I’ll feel better before the exam. I thought to myself, screw it I will. I have a lot to think right now and I was not like I haven’t tried it before. I thought I’ll just do it, and I did. I am not going to lie, it was so relieving. I felt in control. Like for the first time I could control my body and how it felt. I felt empty, and it felt so good I decided I was just going to keep doing it. Now that I’ve proven myself, I can do it, why would I stop?

 

Caro: What do you think lead you to have bulimia?

Romina: I have always had friends with really skinny bodies. I was always a friend of the popular girl that had all guys madly in love with her. I think I just wanted to be like my friends. Have a beautiful body, maybe a boyfriend, not having to worry about what I eat or not. I just wanted to image of being perfect. I feel that desire got so big that once I got the chance to get there I took it, no matter what it implied for mental or physical health.

 

Caro: How did you gain control over it?

Romina: It was really hard. I struggled with it for about 2 complete years. Just ate as much as I vomited. It is really hard to realize that the change does not come from anyone but you. You are the only one that can have the decision of doing it or not. For the moment I realized I had to stop was when my nose started bleeding while I was puking. I realized at that moment it had gone too far and that I had to stop. I certainly did not leave my obsession for been skinny, so I started eating way much more healthy so I would feel guilty enough to puke.

 

Caro: How do you feel about what you have overcome right now?

Romina: I am super proud of myself. I have grown so much since my disease. I learned how to eat properly. How to manage my portions. How to be more passionate with me, and how to be strong when you most need it. Loving yourself is so hard sometimes. We have all been through it. It is a challenge we all have to overcome. Don’t get me wrong. It’s a constant fight. You always have the choice to eat whatever is that you want and then flush your guiltiness away, but you always have to remember that you are better than your disease. You can definitely defeat it!

 

Caro: What advice would you give anyone who is currently suffering from bulimia?

Romina: I am not at all for all those things everybody tells you. Saying things like “love yourself” or “you are perfect just the way you are” is completely useless. To anyone suffering from this. Be more compassionate with yourself. It's okay to have a sweet tooth, it okay to have a second serving. Its okay to eat and just be you. Give yourself a break every once in a while. Let yourself go. Release all that pressure you have, and believe me you will start regaining control of your life.”

 

*Disclaimer: Names were changed in order to protect privacy rights.

 

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