Ahh, a holiday dinner. What a wholesome moment. Everyone around the table chatting, laughing, passing the potatoes – until the conversation steers to that one topic. Whether it’s vaccines, political views, or Taylor Swift vs. Adele, people’s heated opinions are often tied to very strong emotions.
So, when Uncle Carl starts his speech on how the Moderna vaccine made his friend Steve magnetic at this year’s Thanksgiving dinner – I got you with one method.
I introduce to you…validation! A wonderful, amazing, magical thing where you can make someone feel seen, heard, and understood without agreeing with them.
Let’s unpack this: all emotions are valid. And so are thoughts, beliefs, and feelings. But just because an emotion or belief is valid doesn’t mean that you have to agree, approve, or condone it.
This means that you can allow Uncle Carl to feel seen, heard, and appreciated without agreeing or creating further conflict.
There are six steps of validation that come from a treatment protocol called Dialectical Behavioral Therapy that walks you through this process in a super clear, straightforward way. These steps can be applied to any interaction and it helps improve the relationship big time.
Pay attention
Look interested in the other person (don’t look at your phone while listening). Stay alert and take note of facial expressions and body language.
Reflect back
Say back what you heard the other person say or do to be sure you understand exactly what the person is saying. Although it may be difficult, try to avoid judgmental language or tone of voice!
“Read Minds”
Be sensitive to what is not being said by the other person. Again, pay attention to facial expressions, body language, what is happening, and what you know about the other person already. Show you understand in words or actions.
Understand
Think about the person’s past experiences, present situation, physical condition, and/or current state of mind. This can help you make sense of what the other person is feeling, thinking, or doing.
Acknowledge the Valid
Note that the person’s feelings, thinking, or actions are valid and understandable responses because they fit current facts or are a logical response to the current facts.
Show equality
Don’t “one-up” or “one-down” the other person. Treat them as an equal, not as fragile or incompetent.
Each of these steps is a bit more challenging than the previous; you can start by simply showing that you’re present and paying attention, and then work up to voicing that you see the other person’s perspective. Even taking a small step towards validation is more skillful than just disagreeing.
I know it’s hard, especially when you strongly disagree with someone else’s perspective. However, pat your ego on the back and think about how much of a bigger person you’re being. Most importantly, remember that this will make your life easier. When others feel seen, heard, and understood by you, they’re willing to invest more in their relationship with you. This means offering you validation in return, expressing interest in your life, and interactions that overall feel better!
So, Uncle Carl, I can understand how scary it is to undergo a new medical treatment when there’s so much new information being published every day. I can’t imagine how overwhelming it is to be concerned about your friend Steve and I really hope that he’s doing okay.
If I can validate a magnetic vaccine, you can validate anything!