While riding the platonic rollercoaster of life, you can’t help but notice that your life has fallen to pieces while searching for a ring on your Uber driver’s finger. Where is he taking you, exactly? That’s right, not to your significant others’ because you don’t have one. Okay, that was a little harsh, but you were thinking it, too. If you’re not out wining and dining on February 14th, then where exactly are you?
1. The Intentionally Oblivious
“Oh, that’s today?” you say to yourself as Brittany, an office long-term relationship participant asks you. And it is not like Brittany doesn’t know you’re single, she just wants to hear you admit it to yourself. To dodge this curveball, the oblivious card is always an effective one to play. You can even add a hand gesture (like that one emoji – you know which one I’m talking about) or a confident giggle at the end. This will throw Brittany off guard and vanquish her back to the underworld because let’s be honest, no one liked Brittany in the first place.
2. The Storyteller
Since the whole idea and concept behind Valentine’s Day is a lie anyways, adding onto it is something that’s totally acceptable to do! In fact, to some people, it’s a contest or even a game that’s played yearly. Going by the name of the “Val-lyin’-tines Day Olympics,” it’s popularly participated in around the world. Doves released into the sky deliver a piece of paper with an “x” on it to choose the contestants. If you are lucky enough to be chosen, you walk around all day listening to and observing the festivities planned by other people who are actually in a relationship. The objective of the game is to constantly one-up the other person’s plans. “Oh? Freddie gave you three red roses? That’s so cute! Anyways, Jason bought me a floral shop not too far from here.” Of course, Jason isn’t real, but by default he’s cuter than Freddie.
3. The Desperado
Always on the prowl, you’re set out to grab anything that manages to get caught in your web. That’s actually why they call you the black widow – okay, maybe not really, but that’s what you call yourself. To test out this prowess that you flaunt, you and your single buttocks decide to order a pizza at 10pm. You order the pizza with three different toppings of cheese on it and input the special instruction on the website to “send the cutest delivery personnel.” At last, the time comes when you hear the doorbell ring, making your pupils expand. As the door opens, your prey stands before you. “Thank you,” you say as you vigorously grab the pizza box and shut the door on the face of the human being that stands before you. I bet you thought that prey was going to be the pizza deliverer, you sicko. You then conclude that that black widow has won yet again, singly eating your single pizza for singles and letting the sauce run down your chin because no one’s there to kiss you anyways. Because you’re single.
4. The Struggle Bus
Sometimes on Valentine’s Day, the struggle bus is the only thing you’ll be riding that night. However, just because you’re having difficulty with the whole being single thing with constant reminders all around you, it doesn’t mean that you can’t have a little fun! Instead of simply riding the struggle bus, take control and become its driver. Become one with it. You know that saying that we are all one with the universe and that we are composed of everything that already happened and will happen? Well the same goes for the struggle bus, like probably. And if anyone makes you feel crappy during the day when you’re already feeling a little down, use the bus to pull a repeat from Mean Girls. Besides, we all know a Regina George that needs to be taken out one way or another.
5. The Rage Quitter
When February 14th rolls around, it’s often that people just need to stop and revaluate where they went wrong in life. Why don’t you have a boyfriend? Why don’t you have a girlfriend? Heck, why can’t you get both? You should probably step back and smell the roses you don’t have while enjoying that you don’t have anyone to look after in the first place. Although it is nice to be able to care for someone once in a while, it’s wise to reflect on why no one wants to share the pasta you make every night with you like in Lady and the Tramp. However, when you’re perfect and also cute it’s unfathomable to think of reasons to answer that lonely question of why. Perhaps the best thing to do at this point is just rage and get really angry. After all, my therapist told me that bottled up emotions are really bad for your health so maybe it’d be therapeutic to flip a table at a few restaurants or something. Not to mention, this is the time of year that playlists come around on Spotify entitled “boys they sukk” and “ew lmfao vday is for NERDS,” which are always a valid option to get the steam out of your ears. Just sabotage whoever looks like they’re happy because to be completely honest, who wouldn’t get agitated when the only post on your Facebook wall that day is from your 60 year old mom in all caps reading “HAHAHA” while sharing a picture of two minions.
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